“Get over it.”
“Let go.”
“Move on.”
Sound familiar?
I love hard. When I fall in love with someone, I give them an apartment in my soul and can’t evict them. Even the most challenging of tenants keeps a toe hold. Cliche phrases like “let go” imply that kicking someone out of your heart is as easy as letting go of a balloon. For years, I have thought the feelings of longing and loss that I still feel for my ex’s must mean that there is something wrong with me. However, I’m learning that loving hard (and losing hard) can be a radical opportunity for spiritual growth.
If you are a love-hard kinda person, tune in. Here are three reasons why it’s okay to not really let them go.
1. You liked them for a reason
Not every ex will be an asshole. Relationships that devolve into ugly fights are often easier to let go of, but you may have chosen someone decent, kind and rational. Why shouldn’t you think about them fondly and miss them? Good for you for choosing someone worth missing. It’s sometimes easier to avoid the pain by demonizing your ex or distracting yourself with sensual pleasures (wine! popcorn! drugs!). Can you instead hold space to recognize them as a whole human being (beautiful and also flawed)?
2. Missing them doesn’t mean you should go back
Longing for your ex does not mean that you made a mistake in breaking up. It’s natural to feel longing for someone that you’ve loved. In fact, your ability to hold space for the intensity of your feelings is part of your spiritual journey. The hurt does not need to be fixed. However, softening into the feeling of loss – and not fixing it – is a powerful doorway to opening your own heart in a very tender and beautiful space. Experiencing loss is a powerful spiritual practice that reminds us of the inherent ephemerality of life. Be courageous. Be willing to miss them, and not fix it.
3. Don’t let go. Let be.
One of my wise friends says, “Don’t let go. Let be.” Letting go implies that we can somehow erase someone from our life. Rather than trying to fix the feelings, simply stay with your experience as it arises. Let it be. One of the most challenging and powerful yoga precepts is santosha, or acceptance. The practice of accepting things as they are allows to (again and again) return to the present moment as it it: messy, incomplete, heartbreaking, and human.
“As human beings, not only do we seek resolution, but we also feel that we deserve resolution. However, not only do we not deserve resolution, we suffer from resolution. We don’t deserve resolution; we deserve something better than that. We deserve our birthright, which is the middle way, an open state of mind that can relax with paradox and ambiguity.” – Pema Chodron
For more on life and love, check out the 3-minute video epiphanies, or A Yogi’s Guide To Dating.
