We don’t get mad because of what people do. We get mad because of what we make it mean.
Let’s say you and your bestie have planned a coffee date, but she’s twenty minutes late. You’re working through your second latte and – not only are you now highly caffeinated – you’re fuming as well.
Chances are that you are not mad at your friend because she’s twenty minutes late to your coffee date. If she rushed in and apologized (accident! kid drama! sick parent!), you would likely forgive her. But if she doesn’t seem to have a good enough reason, you’ll be irritated. After all, doesn’t she realize that your time is important?
In this kind of scenario, you’ve made her lateness mean something.
In other words, it’s not the dishes in the sink that bug us. It’s what we make those dishes mean. (“Do I have to do everything?”)
Here’s the thing: you may be right.
Maybe you’re friend doesn’t care about your time, or your lover thinks of you as a glorified dish cleaner. But most of the time, people don’t act deliberately to be obnoxious. Most of the time, in the bubble of their head, they have a perfectly good reason for doing that irritating thing that actually has nothing to do with you. They could even be well intended. (“I was late because I wanted to bike and save the world from pollution!”)
An ex-boyfriend of mine used to pile his dishes next to the sink before we cleaned them. Liking clean counters, I would put all the dishes in the sink. We both kept getting irritated until we figured out that he liked the sink remain clear of clutter in order to use it, while I liked the tidiness of putting everything in the sink (I know, I know, just do the damn dishes already!). Now while that little moment may seem like a minor thing, relationships are built upon the daily details.
Here’s your task.
When you next get angry, take a step back and separate out the true action from the meaning. 1. What objectively happened, and 2. what is the layer of meaning that you’re putting onto it? Then have a conversation to find out what that person was really up to. Where were they coming from? Through this inquiry, you will discover something interesting about that person’s values and how their minds work.
While understanding their mindset doesn’t mean that you necessarily need to condone behaviour (“I appreciate your saving the world by riding your bike, but I still don’t want to be kept waiting for twenty minutes”), it may help to defang the personalization of the act. It will certainly make for a more interesting and informative conversation than getting into a row about who’s right and who’s wrong. And bonus: you’ll learn a little something about your own expectations as well.
If you like these musings, check out The Yogi’s Guide To Dating. Chock full of relationship musings!
