How often do you put off or totally avoid having difficult conversations? You know the ones you’ve been intending to have:
- asking management for more classes
- taking time off
- studio policies
- addressing student complaints, or
- replacing props
Does the mere thought of speaking up or asking the studio for what you want create a knot in your stomach? Last week, I was working with one of my favorite yoga teachers, Natalie, who was very upset with the studio managers:
I can’t believe the manager is trying to schedule me for all evening classes again. I’ve requested more day classes for the past six months. I know other teachers were given more daytime classes. And….the studio still hasn’t gotten any new mats!! Obviously, I’m not valued or respected.
I asked Natalie if she had recently spoken to the studio manager about the issue and she responded,
I don’t know what to say. What if she gets upset her angry with me? I’d love to leave, but I really need a good relationship with this studio. Is there a nice way for me to phrase it?
As she continued expressing her concerns, I pointed out that her worries had little to do with the studio manager’s feelings. Natalie was simply looking for a way to avoid feeling uncomfortable.
What do you mean?” she asked.
As we continued to talk, Natalie realized her number one fear is that her employer will not be happy with what she has to say. The conversation might also stir up conflicting opinions or feelings, and Natalie may even be on the receiving end of criticism or judgment.
Her discomfort deepened as she started to question if expressing herself or asking for something was simply just wrong.
Am I being unreasonable? Is it selfish to ask for a schedule change? I should probably just let it go and deal with the evening classes.
If you find yourself in this position – wanting to say something but feeling anxious and avoiding the conversation – realize the first step is getting comfortable with being uncomfortable.
Recognizing and accepting what you’re feeling, versus running away and avoiding it, makes a big difference. These acknowledgments will actually make your situation less uncomfortable.
Here are my top 10 tips to get you on the road to speaking up and pushing through the discomfort.
- Don’t put off the conversation. If you find yourself repeatedly promising you’ll address it next time, now is the time to speak up. It’s much easier to tackle conversations as situations present themselves. Not only can you resolve and move past the issue faster but you will also escape the inner chatter that continues as long as you stay silent.
- Set up a time to have the conversation – no surprises. You could say, for example, “There’s something important I wanted to discuss with you. Is now a good time or is there another time that works better for you?”
- Be clear about your intention, concerns and feelings upfront. For example: “It’s awkward to bring this up and I don’t want to upset you, but I feel it’s important to talk it through.”
- Set up the conversation to put the other person at ease from the start. You are setting the tone for the conversation so they are prepared and open to listening. For example: “I want to share with you what’s on my mind and get your feedback. I realize you may have a different perspective and I want to hear you and understand.
- Be graceful in the conversation. If the other person gets defensive or upset when you speak to them, it probably means you are using too many definitive statements. Qualify your statements with lines like, “I don’t know if it’s true, but this is how I perceived it.”
- Focus on speaking directly and put your feelings and requests on the table. If you leave the conversation feeling you didn’t fully express yourself and ask for what you want, then you probably used too much tact.
- When setting up the conversation, start with assuming it’s you. This has nothing to do with being right or wrong, but about never assuming you know what the other person is thinking or feeling. Come from a place of simply wanting to hear what they have to say so you have a better shot at being heard – it usually works.
When you communicate something difficult and it goes badly, it’s usually because there is an accusation in it or an assumption about something they did. If you start with assuming that you bear responsibility, it typically keeps the other person from getting defensive. For example, “I’m not sure if this is true but…”
- Listen with an open mind, just as you’d want them to listen to you. Put yourself in their shoes and understand what they experienced. The point is to “get” their version. You don’t have to agree, you just have to understand. Acknowledge (and if appropriate apologize) for your part in their negative experience.
- This isn’t about being perfect, being right, winning or avoiding a fight. It’s about being mature, honest and building better relationships. It’s about being a leader with your communication style.
- Every conversation will not go as you planned or even as you wanted. It’s also okay to make mistakes at this. It’s okay to need more than one conversation to get it right. It’s okay to be successful with some people and not so successful with others. Remember this is like building a muscle so start with conversations that are slightly uncomfortable for you and build to the harder ones.
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