Doing It Alone: The Counsellor

Before you select a sperm donor, you have to go visit an approved counsellor. I guess so they can make sure that you aren’t crazy.

My fertility clinic provided me with a list of therapists and sent me on my way to make my appointment. My deep ambivalence about having a kid as a single mom was exposed in my procrastination; it took me a a couple of months to make the appointment. By the time I finally put on my game face, I was in the middle of teaching a month-long yoga teacher training intensive. Having finally mustered my courage, I did not want to wait another three weeks to see her. I was suddenly racing, on the clock. Late for everything, including my life.

I squished the appointment into a lunch break and dashed to see her.

“Oh Rachel, your poor foot!”

I had also fractured my foot that morning. Rushing to get out of my apartment (rushing for everything it felt), I had slammed my foot into my bedpost. I had wrapped it up haphazardly with tape, but it had bruised and swollen alarmingly. I looked at my foot. I noticed that it hurt.

I sat down and burst into tears.

“I’m so scared….” I wailed. Everything came rushing out. “My boyfriend and I broke up six months ago, and now I feel like everything is gone. I wanted to have a baby with someone I love, to share that. Not like this.” Everything that had been pent up started pouring out. The anxiety, the longing, the regret, the fear. I’d been fighting with depression for six months, hating myself for finding myself in this situation and resisting the reality that, well, fuck it, here I was. I was a dunce, an idiot, a failure.

“Of course you’re anxious!” She said, “Oh my God, Rachel, of course you are! If you weren’t, that would really be a problem!” Sarah gave me the sympathy that I did not want to give myself.

In the warmth of her presence, my hidden, horrible secrets came rushing out. I confessed everything: my ambivalence about even having a kid, my depression, my suicidal thoughts, my financial insecurity, my anxiety over the future. How much I missed my ex-boyfriend and tortured myself over our break up, how I was now spending time with a man who didn’t want kids at all. How I thought I would be failure if I wasn’t a mom. How I was afraid of ruining my life, afraid of regret, of bitterness, of missing my chance.

The deluge slowly stopped.

If this was a sanity test, I wasn’t sure how well I was doing. I became worried that Sarah might tell the fertility clinic to ban me.

“Rachel, no, this is normal,” she said firmly and quietly. “Most women who come and see me are confused and anxious. Ambivalence is okay.” Our time was up already, gone in what had seemed like a moment. “Let’s meet again,” she held me by the shoulders reassuringly, “so we can go over the actual sperm donation part of it…when you’re ready.” She hugged me at the door. ” You are not alone in this. Most women I speak with share the same fears and anxieties. Now, take care of your foot, okay?”

I looked down at my poor bruised foot.

Right.

I hobbled back out to the street.

It was still raining, my foot was still fractured, I was still anxious and confused. But I knew now that I hadn’t known before.

I wasn’t alone.

See the other blogs:

Square Water Bottle by Clean Bottle

“Oh my gosh, what is that!” My office mates are excited. I’ve just pulled out my new Square water bottle by Clean Bottle. “It’s square! That’s so cool! And those are fun colors.” My yoga students are similarly excited. “It’s square! Now when you accidentally knock over your bottle in class it won’t roll all the way across the room.”

I’ve been walking around with my Tritan square water bottle now for a couple of weeks, and I really like it using it. The number one reason – and this is a rather surprising perk – is that it’s easy and comfortable to carry by it’s handle. I don’t have to wrap my entire hand around it to hold it, so I can juggle a few things at once.

Other (not so obvious) benefits. The bottom twists off, so you can easily clean the bottom of your bottle. For those of us who have found grunge in the bottom of water bottles before and tossed them out in disgust, here’s an opportunity to get your clean freak on and scrub your water bottle clean and shiny from all angles. There’s even an optional water filter that you can buy. If you prefer stainless steel, you can get their stainless steel version for a few bucks more.

Pro’s
  • Vibrant, fun colors
  • Handle is super easy to carry
  • Easy to clean
  • Dishwasher safe
  • Square bottom! Doesn’t roll.
  • Fruit infuser lets you pack your water with your favourite berries or fruit
  • Opens from bottom to easily add your infuser or water filter
  • Easy to clean bottom of your bottle
  • Plastic…eh, a pro and con, BPA free, but it won’t break
  • Fits into soft pockets meant for round bottles
Con’s
  • The lip isn’t the most fun to drink out of. But the size of the opening is good.
  • You have to open the lid to drink out of it. This doesn’t bother me, but some of you may like straws for easy sipping.
  • “Responsibly made in China” – not sure what “responsibly” means
  • Square shape doesn’t fit into my car cup holder or my bike water holder
  • Infuser won’t prevent small seeds or pieces of fruit from getting into water
Conclusion

If you have been lamenting the cleanliness of your bottle or if you constantly knock them over (like me), then this bottle could be a little gem in your collection. The bottles cost at $12 a pop for the plastic, $44 (on sale for $29) for the stainless steel. And you, dear reader, get a 30% discount if you use the code “rachelyoga”. So if you think being square is cool, then go on. Get your square on.

YogiSocks: Want socks for your yoga practice?

Vadim and David got in touch with me because they’d created a product that they thought may help foot-shy yogis out: YogiSocks.

Now, socks for yoga are not a new idea.  ToeSox are the rather fancy original that go for $16-$18 a pair. For the same price, Vadim and David will send you six pairs in a box. In a nutshell, these are cotton socks with little rub pads on them that prevent slippage.

I had some friends try them out, and one size really does seem to fit all. We cavorted on carpet and on hardwood and found the socks to be comfortable and to hold their grip surprisingly well. The little stickies are in the right place and the socks fit all our different foot sizes easily. The gals also liked the fun colors.

Pro’s:
  • If you have foot fungi (sorry folks, awful truth here) or are shy about showing your feet, then these are an inexpensive alternative to sliding around in your regular cotton socks on potentially slippy yoga floors.
  • Inexpensive.
  • Fun colors.
  • Breathable cotton.
  • Useful if you want the option to practice mat-free.
  • Potentially good for sweaty feet.
  • I could see using these for Pilates or martial arts classes, or for just walking around on your slippy floors at home. Frankly, I could see using these in teacher training, when students are prone to leap up and do poses on hardwood floors and potentially slip. Freaks me out!
Con’s:
  • Fun colors (not everyone likes pink).
  • Most yogis don’t use socks because we like to be barefoot.
  • The stick factor is redundant on most yoga mats, because they are already sticky.
  • Not sure about longevity, especially if you use them because you sweat.

Alignment of values here is uncertain:

  • health-promoting: Yes, if you have foot fungi, these could be a great little helper!
  • celebrates authenticity: If you consider that choosing to wear socks is an assertion of personality.
  • emotionally elevating: Depends how much you love your socks.
  • educational: Nil.
  • high-quality: Unsure.
  • eco-friendly/ globally mindful: Unsure.
  • celebrates community: Unsure.

Details:

  • Amazon link to check them out.
  • Your 15% off promo code: XMXA8Z27

Not everyone who practices yoga is happy; and that’s okay

I experience anxiety and depression.

In my life, I have fallen into despair and loneliness, had suicidal thoughts, cut myself to purge the pain, taken anti-depressants, and curled up on my floor in isolation. I’ve held hands with terrible feelings and had many “dark nights of the soul.”

I am sharing this confession because I want you to know that you are not alone. Society encourages a pleasant disposition. Public media feeds such as Instagram and Facebook show us photos of friends, adventures, happy families, and celebratory events. Yoga – branded by vibrancy, positivity and Lululemon smiles – may seem unwelcoming to those who don’t currently feel like life is great.

You may start to think you’re the only one who feels so bad.

The pressure to be pleasant may deprive you of the opportunity to connect honestly with your fellow soul travellers. Or even worse, it may deprive you of the opportunity to connect with yourself.

Our mats are not places to be perfect, or even places that we have to be particularly happy. They are places to be authentic. The mat is a place where it’s okay to cry. They are places to give ourselves permission to feel, practice self-care, and use our beautiful physical bodies to potentially shift our experiences. We can move with our feelings, rather than cover them up.  If we are anxious or depressed, the physical practice can help us shift our physiological and psychological states, even if it’s just for an hour. We remember that we are more than just our thoughts and emotions. We have a glimpse that there is something stable, pure, and beautiful within each of us.

My invitation: please come to the mat. And bring your whole self.

Bring your fatigue, your soul hunger, your yearning, your imperfection. Bring your sadness, your disappointment, your anger, your fear. Bring your anxiety, bring your depression. The yoga practice celebrates all of your humanity; not just the shiny bits. Of course, bring your joy, your excitement, and your utter magnificence as well. But they are not required for admittance.

Has the yoga practice helped me personally with my anxiety and depression? Yes. It’s one of the reasons that I am a teacher. Yoga has given me an alternate form of self-care, when I’d rather just drink wine, eat cake, and watch Netflix to numb the pain. The yoga practice helps me to find the crack where the light comes in, to break my heart open rather than close. To lean in rather than run away.

I’m going to share a secret with you: most of your yoga teachers don’t do yoga because they are naturally happy, benevolent, and grounded. They are teachers because they also need the practice.

You are not alone.

So come to practice. Your whole self is welcome here.

Let’s light our lamps in the dark.

 

 

 

Why yoga should be like your kitchen

Have you ever noticed that whenever you have a party, everyone winds up in the kitchen? No matter how much you decorate your living room or spruce up the dining room, everyone winds up chatting in the kitchen, drinks in hand, perched on countertops.

Kitchens are the heart of the home.

We go there to be nourished by both good food and good company. Unlike the dining room, you don’t need a fancy jacket or pressed dress to be welcome there. Casual attire is just fine. And unlike the living room, there’s no large screen television, so we are entertained by conversation rather than Netflix.  Kitchens are where we slow down, chat about our days, and dig our hands into making food for ourselves and loved ones. Kitchens are where we lean a hip into the counter, take a breath, and connect to the other members of our household.

Despite the kitchen’s appeal, we often practice yoga as if we were in our dining rooms. We are well-dressed and concerned with how we appear. We are hasty to try to do things right, and become embarrassed if we use the wrong fork (or in the case of yoga, fall out of tree pose). We sit up straight, mind our language, and resist putting our elbows on the table. Contrast this scene with the kitchen, where we may eat with our fingers, drink straight from the tap, and dissolve into unselfconscious gales of laughter at a good joke.

The invitation: make your mat your kitchen. Forgo formalities, don’t worry about the food between your teeth, and give yourself the permission to be connected and comforted. Seek connection rather than perfection. Like a good homemade meal, let your practice nourish you. Take your time, savour your food. And relish the results.

Wouldn’t the world be a little nicer if we treated everyone as if they were guests in our kitchen? While we can’t bring everyone into our personal kitchen, we can try to bring a little of our kitchen to the world. We can greet people with affection, take the time to connect, pause to really listen. We can nourish others with our good company, and transform the frantic pace of the outside world into the organic rhythm of being human.

Make your mat your kitchen.

Then bring your kitchen to the world.

How to Sequence to Wheel Pose

This class yoga pose is complex! Requiring deep opening through the hips and shoulders, wheel uses the strength of the arms and legs to leverage the practitioner into the pose. Make sure to use stages for the peak, starting with bridge pose. 

Here’s a look at how I may sequence this pose for a flow style class. 

 

Component Parts (Parts of the body that have to be warmed up or educated to do the peak pose effectively and safely):

  • backbending (thoracic)
  • upper arms in flexion/ external rotation
  • hip flexors open
  • core engaged (lightly)
  • neutral hips

Sequence:

Opening

  • sit in virasana on blocks (meditation/ teacher talking, breathing etc) – find midline (squeeze block lightly)
  • interlace hands – take arms above head. reverse hand grip, repeat
  • cat/ cow (focus on movement of thoracic spine
  • dancing cat – core integration even when arm in flexion (don’t pop ribs)

Warm Up

  • 3 sun salutation A’s
  • intermediate/ advanced – add 2 B’s

Targeted Warm Up

  • Thread A (open hips) – right leg (these poses are linked)
    • Vinyasa to Dog
    • Right leg to 3-legged Dog
    • Step through to Warrior II
    • Parsvakonasana (arm over ear)
    • Warrior II
    • Three-legged dog then step right foot through to…
  • Thread B (closed hips):
    • High lunge
    • Open Twist
    • Lizard
    • Vinyasa to Dog
  • Repeat Thread A and Thread B on the left side
  • Intermezzo: Cobra, Sphinx
    • Finish vinyasa to front of mat
  • Thread C (closed hips):
    • Chair with block between hands – hover step back to …
    • High lunge – add backbend
    • Closed twist (parivrtta parsvakonasana)
    • Standing split (option stand up to chair)
    • Tadasana
    • Repeat left side
  • Intermezzo – Salabhasana, Sphinx with thigh stretch, Dhanurasana
  • Thread D (closed hips):
    • Chair with backbend
    • Vira III
    • High lunch with backbend
    • Low lunge with quad stretch
    • Plank – Dolphin (shoulder opener)
  • Peak
    • Bridge
    • Stages of Wheel
  • Cooldown
    • Janu Sirsasana
    • Ardha Matsyendrasana
    • Paschimottanansana
    • Meditation
    • Savasana

Want more? Check out my continuing education courses in Yoga Sequencing and Teaching here.

Beauty is at the edge

This past week I had a difficult conversation with a loved one. It was one of those rip-your-heart-open-say-what-you-really-think experiences where I felt uncertain and scared. Usually a rational and controlled strategist, I found this heart-driven communication terrifying.

Imagine for a moment that you are surrounded by a lovely sphere in which “life is comfortable and where I feel good about myself.”  This is the good space, the “I’m doing okay” space. When we hit the edges of this space, suddenly we aren’t safe. Others may touch us, see us, know us. If we’re scared, we may retract our wings away to make sure they don’t get clipped by outside hazards.

While some of us may retract from this discomfort, others of us push back when we get uncomfortable. If someone threatens the nice boundary of our happy place, we get angry. We shove them back as trespassers and make sure they don’t get too close. We’re scared that they could touch our soft centre. We might even build impenetrable walls to keep them out.

Intimacy with another person – or the world – must occur at this edge of our sphere of comfort. When we play it safe by pulling in or shoving them out, we are really creating more distance.

When I stepped to the edge of my personal cliff in this conversation, I wasn’t playing it safe. I felt as if I were in a free fall-what-the-heck-are-you-doing(!) But then unexpectedly, even though the earth was falling away, something else awoke in the void that was present, awake, and true. Although I was at the edge, I was still okay.

When we step to the edge and are poised there – trembling – we are standing in the fundamental uncertainty of our human experience. Despite our best efforts to pretend otherwise, we can’t ever really know how things will go or what will happen.  Life at the edge is exposing. We stumble, we fall, we fail. We see that our expectations were foiled again. We are not in control, we are not perfect. The mask of “being okay” falls apart, and instead we stand in the truth of who we are right now, which may not be as glamorous as we’d like everyone to think. And in these moments of truth and bravery, our humanity is revealed.

And here resides our great beauty.

Beauty is not in our perfect symmetry, our excellent hair, our impeccable wit. Beauty is laughing too loud, occasionally snorting, being caught off guard.  It’s in the tears, the messy hugs, the painstaking communication.

Beauty is in our courage to step to the edge, stand in our humanity, and be seen for who we are.

Shall we step to the edge?