Author: Rachel Scott

Alan had taken to telling our friends a story about how I have farted myself awake.

Deeeelightful.

Yes, the flatulence had continued.  Robust and tangy, my flatulence knew no end.  I suppose since he had to cope with the Dutch oven after effects of my vegan diet, he was entitled to reap some momentary joy in the re-telling.

“It’s like when Brian farts himself awake in Family Guy,” Alan can barely speak through his laughter.  “He just startles himself, then looks around!”  Alan wipes his eyes and sighs, “I love it when he actually acts like a dog.”

I gritted my teeth and smiled.  Hilarious.

But he had a point.  My belly felt so bloated that I could pooch it out and look five months pregnant.  Doing this in front of Alan was enough to enact my revenge.   However, I was getting tired. When I slept, I slept hard.  I’m not sure if this was because of the diet or because I’d also started to take a pass on full-caf coffee.

Which reminds me: Success Story!

I had a decaf soy latte and it was delicious.  It really was better than the dairy version, and I do not write that lightly.  I was stunned by the deliciousness.  And Agro café also had the decency to offer a vegan banana bread!  I was, as they say, in non-hog heaven.

My restaurant challenges continued.  But I think that if your standards aren’t too high, you can really make do everywhere.  Tonight I had a baked potato with olive oil and Dijon and a side of grilled asparagus.  And a very large white wine.  I came home to some sesame crackers and hummus and called it a night.

When I told people what I was doing, I invariably got the same comment, “Better watch your protein!”  Apparently they hadn’t read the same material that I had.  I nobly resisted the urge to say, “Where do you think cows get their protein, huh?”

I remember the warnings from the Vegan book: don’t be a vegan asshole.

But perhaps lightening up on the roughage a bit would be a good idea.

For everyone’s sake.

If you’re going to eat out vegan, consider Greek.

Everything was bathed in olive oil, fresh foods, roasted potatoes…if you could avoid the feta and the fish, you’d be in a vegan-approved land of culinary delight.  I got the hummus with pita, roasted lemon potatoes without the feta, the gigantes (giant lima beans), the roasted veggies, and the beet salad with walnut (sans – you guessed it – the feta).  Deeeelicious.

I left stuffed to the gills.

I’d been downing my Udo’s oil every day.  It was a little weird to drink oil – kind of like drinking something you weren’t supposed to.  Udo’s has a light, nutty flavor to it, which wasn’t so bad if the texture weren’t so slippery and strange.  I assured myself that I was doing the right thing for my body, and quickly rinsed my mouth out with something else after.

One night, I met my formerly vegan friend Ina at Café Baru, a cubana place serving delicacies like plantainitoes and guacamole.  With a few subtractions (namely, the cheese), we had a vegan-licious time of it.

As a former vegan and stickler for health, Ina was on me in a flash about nutrition.  I told her that I’d been a good girl, taking my supplements and drinking Mr. Udo’s oil.  Ina warned me about oils: “Nobody tells you, but they can go rancid in 5-7 days.  Buy the small bottles, keep them in the fridge, and expose them to air as little as possible.”  She sighed, “You’re inspiring me. I want to be vegan again.  Why’d you do it?”

“An experiment,” I said, “to see how it feels.  So far I’m eating a lot better than I ever have. Lots of fruits, veggies.  I try the weird stuff in the supermarket. You know, those leaves that look like a brontosaurus should be eating them.  That kind of stuff.”

She looks knowing, “How’s your digestive track?  I used to have the most rancid farts. It’s like you become a human compost pile.”

I blushed, “Still in growing pains, I think.”

She nodded, “Keep an eye on that.  Your body will give you signals if you’re not digesting properly.  And chew your food.  Digestion of carbohydrates is done by your saliva. If you don’t chew your food, it just sits in your tummy.  Your tummy doesn’t have teeth. So chew.”

I nodded slowly.  I’ve always been a stupidly fast eater; this will be a good (and olfactorally pleasing) reason to take more time.

“And sesame seeds.  Eat sesame seeds. Tons of calcium in sesame seeds.  Nutritional yeast has tons of B12.  It also has this great cheesy taste.  Eat, eat!”  She pointed to the plate.  “That yucca stick has your name on it.”

I’d been finding that my vegan diet had been leaving me surprisingly full.  I am stuffed from my meals and haven’t been getting food cravings during the day at all.  I get full on less food.  And in general, my energy has been consistent and good.  Last night I did go to bed an hour earlier than usual, but there’s something …authentic…about my fatigue.  I figured I was detoxing like Stephanie warned and am supposed to sleep it off.

The danger I can see looming is boredom.  Sure, vegans protest about the abundance of food choices, but I’m a far cry from a culinary expert.  Without the cacophony of usual ingredients or foods, I was worried that I would get tired of steaming veggies all the time.   I must learn new recipes.  Like Baru’s fried yucca and tomato salsa.  Freakin’ delicious.

Today’s adventure: Finding Vegan food in the Airport.

I trolled one end of Chicago O’Hare’s Terminal B to the other.  If you’ve never been to O’Hare, I have to say that it’s a stellar place for a layover.  Lots of interesting shops and eateries, as well as a Brookstone where you can try out their gadgets.  One bummer is the lack of free Wi-fi.  Free wi-fi would go a long way to warming the cockles of my heart.

I was writing this with my power cord was plugged into the underside of a phone bank.  The airport was packed with travelers and the paltry selection of computer nooks just wasn’t cutting it.  Savvy computer users had already staked out the outlets of choice, but a fellow user let me in on the phone bank secret.

But back to food.  My choices: nuts and fruit mixes, a smoothie from Jamba Juice, a random package of raw vegetables, fruit medleys and whole fruit, beans and vegetable salads from a Mediterranean grill. Not too shabby in a pinch!  I was very tempted by a vegetable wrap at Starbucks until I read the ingredients on the back and discovered that the pesto sauce contained Parmesan.   Corn syrup was in the ingredient list too as a sweeter for the bread, which – although brown – was not in fact whole wheat.  It’s all about the fine print.  I resisted the sandwich and grabbed a nut and fruit mix instead, feeling determinedly wholesome.  Craving something warm, I ordered up a Zen tea and got an apple for the plane.

The Anti-Inflammation book has continued to be a stellar resource.  As I promised Alan, I had been doing my research and had even made an excel spreadsheet of my findings.

Basically, it’s what Stephanie said.  I need to find a good way to get my Omega 3’s that aren’t from fish oil.  Also, I want to do some more investigating of Calcium and Vitamin D.  More research needed to be done.  The next few weeks were going to be about getting familiar with “kale,” “mustard greens,” “turnip greens”  and a variety of food sources that had heretofore been neglected in favor of romaine, iceberg lettuce, and broccoli.

The book also clarified the pitfalls of saturated fats that are rampant in – you guessed in – butter and cheese!  So maybe I don’t have to feel so bad about forsaking Grandma Kay’s potato gratin after all.

Now, it’s important to note that going vegan doesn’t mean eating French baguettes all day (delicious and vegan as they are).  It’s quite possible to be vegan and just eat fries and drink coke.  Since I was going to be getting my protein from plant-based sources, I needed to capitalize on what I was eating.  Whole grains and ancient superfoods such as amaranth and quinoa (grains that are both complete proteins, by the way!) would have to be incorporated.  It was going to be a whole new grocery world out there.

I sent an email to Alan yesterday to tell him that, yes, I’d actually decided to do the vegan thing and to please not greet me at that airport with a steak and cheese dinner planned.  We’ll see how this goes.

Two revelations.

One: my chocolate fears were ungrounded.  While I could not have milk chocolate, I could still have dark chocolate, as it contains neither milk nor butter.  However, my chocolate covered espresso beans were out, as they contained cream (always have to read the ingredients).

Two: It was day two of my vegan lifestyle, and – at the moment – I felt great!  Absolutely flatulent, but great.   As long as I was content to wallow in my own stenchiness, life was pretty grand.

My digestive system was – as they say – adjusting.

Finding vegan alternatives in middle America (or middle Florida) was a bit of an adventure.  Yesterday the family went to see a movie and grabbed snacks pre-show.  Game to try, I searched high and low before finding my solution at the Steak and Potato chain.  Baked potato, no butter, with mustard and salt.

It was actually quite yummy.

On the morning of New Year’s day, my sister had tried to reason with me.

“Start tomorrow.”

“Why?”

“Because then the family vacation will be over.  It’ll be easier.”

I considered.  “Nope, I’m going to start today.  It’s January first.  We have tons of food around.  It shouldn’t be that hard.”

She checked in with me later: “What have you eaten today.”

I considered, “Cashews, a raw tomato.  An orange.  Chickpeas.”

She looked at me.  “Yum.”

“Hey,” I said, “It may not be gourmet, but so far so good.”

By the end of the day, you could add on the glorious baked potato, a salad with avocado, blueberry, carrots, and corn and Snyder’s insanely delicious pretzel sticks.  Plus wine.

Oh, in reading my Vegan for Dummies book, I discovered that not all wine is Vegan. However, I’m drawing a line.  Wine is a great pleasure in life, and I am not going to get all crazy about it.  And while we’re on the Vegan for Dummies book, I have so far been very disappointed by the actual amount of information that is in it.  So far, it reads like a quietly hysterical defensive shriek masked in a patronizing hippy “let you be you” riff.  Every paragraph reiterates how being vegan is actually better for you than the “SAD” (Standard American Diet).  But the book doesn’t seem to address the practicalities of eating vegan and possible nutritional pitfalls.  Also, the authors seem to criticize vaccinations, which I find alarming.  I realize I may be ostracizing the vegans out there…but polio? Hello? Seriously people, we can’t throw the baby out with the bathwater, if you know what I mean.

Instead, I’ve found a lot of fantastic information in another book, “The Anti-Inflammation Diet for Dummies,” lent to me by my health-conscious brother-in-law.  It contains a wealth of information on where to obtain your essential fatty acids (enter Flaxseed, the vegan wonderfood!) and protein.  And get this: “As long as you are eating a healthy diet, plant foods can supply you all the amino acids you need.”  This from a “non-vegan” book, which I find slightly more credible than my vegan propaganda book.  YAY!

Something terrible occurred to me today.

Chocolate.

As I was munching on one of my stocking stuffers (chocolate coffered espresso beans), I realized that chocolate would be one the fruits forbidden to me during my vegan adventure.  Sure, there was carob, a chocolate substitute, but what could really replace the smooth, creamy deliciousness of a Hershey’s kiss or Swiss Milk Hot Chocolate (which I’d had last night)?  Carob?  Seriously?  No.

Updated note: I have since realized that chocolate is actually vegan.   “Cocoa butter” is not the same thing as “butter.”  Thank the sweet baby Jesus.

Vegans talk with all seriousness about how these substitutes actually can be as good as real thing.  In all fairness, I have to disagree.  Tofurky for example.  A substance of questionable texture to say the least.  “Tofu is as good as chicken!” some say.  Um, no.  It really isn’t.  As my Dad says, “They wouldn’t advertise that it tasted like meat unless the meat tasted better in the first place!”

He’s got a point.  While some substitutes work well, some are just dreadful.  Like soy cheese. Have you ever had soycheese?  In a former quest for edible alternatives, I made the error of actually trying it and am still fighting nausea from the memory. (“Daiya” is a new and notable suggestion. Although it’s essentially congealed oil, it’s delicious cheddar flavored congealed oil.) Veggie dogs, however, might be on par with the real thing.  I think that is because regular hotdogs aren’t made of real meat to begin with.

So now the question for these final few days: Did I wean myself gradually off of these delights by taking them out of my diet now, or do I gorge on them and hope that the sickness I feel after puts me off them long enough to make the transition easy?

I know what the mature response to this is.  We all know what the “right” answer should be.

I grabbed another handful of chocolate covered espresso beans.

Hatching a New Years’ Plan

I decided to put my plan into action for New Years. 

After all, a New Year, a new start…and that way, I wouldn’t have to sacrifice all my Christmas goodies.   As I sit sipping tea (with milk) and banana bread (made with eggs and butter), I relished my last few days of decadence.

If I was going to “clean up” my act, I figured I was in the perfect place for a little dairy blow out before the big day came.  You see, we were having a family reunion over the holidays. My family hails from the Midwest, where all things good come covered in butter and cheese.  And sometimes baked with cornflakes on top.  Last night, we ate buttered corn, cheesey sour cream potatoes (made the way my Grandma Kay taught us too, and they are outrageously delicious), honeyed ham loaf (well, I didn’t eat this since I’m pesco-vegetarian, but it smelled divine), buttered carrots, regular mashed potatoes with butter, and a brilliantly green opaque jello “salad” with nuts and fruit in it.  This “ambrosia” actually might have been vegan, but I abstain from all food fluorescent.

The theme of the meal?  Butter.  Butter, butter, butter.

My 90-year old grandmother still drinks a couple of glasses of whole milk a day, and it was a staple of our diet growing up.  With all the dairy farms in the Midwest, butter and milk practically have entrée status.  No meal (or side dish) is complete without them.  It is virtually unpatriotic to abstain from milk in our family, just as it would be unpatriotic to buy a Japanese car in Michigan.

No big deal though, right?  Substitute olive oil in for butter, and there’s still all that delicious taste.  And from what I hear, olive oil is much better on the heart than butter.  And of course, the upside is that no cows are bothered to make it.

Family Response

When I mentioned my plan to my family, responses varied.

“Hey Dad, I’m thinking of going vegan in the New Year.”

“What’s that?”

“You know, where you don’t eat meat, and you don’t eat diary products or eggs either.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s nicer to the animals.”

My Dad looks unconvinced: “Cows don’t get hurt when you milk them.”  (Did I mention my family used to have a farm?)

“Well, maybe not when they’re hand milked, but when you do it by machine, their udders can get infected, and it’s bad for them.”

“Oh, their udders get infected anyway.”

“Okay, but it’s harder on them being hooked up to machines, and then you take their calves away and it’s upsetting to them.”

My squints at me like Clint Eastwood, “You ever see a momma cow kick its baby?  That’s what they do when they’re tired of feeding them. Kick ‘em away.  Smack.  You think that’s not upsetting?”

I rolled my eyes, “Okay, but that’s the momma cow’s choice, alright?  They’re lined up all day, fed hormones, and overmilked.  It’s not good for them. ”

“Bah.  They’re cows.  They’re fine.”

My 90-year old grandmother looked aghast, “No milk?  Where will you get your calcium?”

“Um..broccoli.  Broccoli has more calcium than milk does.”

She looked unconvinced, “Welllllll, I don’t know about that.”

My sister was more supportive.  She got me the book, “Living Vegan for Dummies” for Christmas.  The first few chapters are all about “going at your own pace” and not pissing anyone else off by being high and mighty.  They spend a lot of time on this part, so I’m guessing vegans have a reputation for doing just that.

I make a note to self to tread lightly.

(Author’s note: For any readers that are confused by the dates, I previously chronicled these events, but never published them.  However, it’s a timely and parallel re-telling, as I’ve just gone BACK to being vegan again after an encounter with a dominatrix naturopath…but that’s for later in the story…) 

I decided to get the skinny from one of my vegan friends.  Actually, she’s my only vegan friend.

We met at a coffee shop and I had my favorite dairylicious breakfast of muffin and latte. I am aware my days may be numbered.

Stephanie is one of those quiet vegans, who goes about her business without loudly soapboxing her opinions, spraying paint on fur, or glaring at meat-eaters.   If you didn’t ask her, you’d never know that she was vegan. She’s also a kick ass personal trainer with abs of steel, so forget about the waifish images might be floating in your head.  Stephanie is a lean machine, to be sure, but she could probably benchpress me.

“I love eating this,” I said, indicating my banana nut muffin and whole milk latte. “This is good.  I would really miss this.”

“Yes,” she said, “but you can get that in vegan form.  Just get a vegan muffin instead and a soy latte.”

“Soy latte,” I said dubiously.

“You might even like it more.  Soy is slightly sweeter than milk, so lots of people like it better than cow’s milk.”

“Hmmmm.” I was not convinced.  But if I got to keep my café culture, so much the better.  However, I wouldn’t be able to get a vegan muffin at Starbucks.  I’d have to go to a more health-wise food for that, like Whole Foods, where they catered to fringe eaters.  I don’t know how the café culture is at Whole Foods, but I could get the muffin there and sneak it into Starbucks.  Just wrap it up and put it in my purse.

Yes, I actually do think this way.

“So if I’m going to go vegan, what do I need to worry about in terms of vitamins and stuff…that’s what I’m worried about.  It seems like I’d have to be really on top of what I’m eating and sometimes I’m not so good about that.”

She looked serious, “Vitamin B, Vitamin D, your Omega 3’s and 6’s, since you won’t be eating fish.  But a lot of what you’ll be eating will have a higher nutritional content.  Dark, leafy greens, legumes.  You may want to make fruit or veg smoothies.  I’ll give you some sites to look at online.  The info is all out there now.  You’ll start to eat cleaner, and you’ll probably feel better too.  You may even go through a bit of a detox.”

I did a detox once. I drank lemonade with cayenne flakes for three days and then celebrated by eating an entire Sarah Lee chocolate cake. But at least it was a low-fat cake.

“You may notice,” Stephanie says, “that the first week or two you will actually feel a little under the weather, or tired.  Your body will be shedding toxins and junk that have accumulated in your system over time.  It will pass, and after that you will have more energy and feel better.”

This sounds good to me.  I’m getting older and I’ve noticed that I’ve been more tired of late.  “Of late” meaning the last five years.  I don’t know if it’s my metabolism winding down or my lifestyle catching up, but I get mopey in the afternoons and crave sugar and caffeine.

“Well that sounds good,” I said.  “Cleaner sounds good.”

“I’ve got some great recipes you can try. It’s really easy, once you get the hang of it.  Making your own food is going to be easier and better than eating out.”

Ah, recipes.

Recipes require…what’s that word?  Oh.  Cooking.  I’m one of those gals who can make two proper meals (grilled cheese and pasta puttanesca, only one of which qualifies as vegan).   My idea of cooking is steaming a head of broccoli and eating the whole thing.

“Okay, but they’d better be easy recipes,” I warned, “I’m not what you’d call a hand in the kitchen.”

“Easy,” she promised.  “You’ll get the hang of it.  Simple ingredients, good spices, clean food.  No problem.”

I liked the idea of clean food, who doesn’t?  It sounded like something that’s good for your car and good for you.

I took a breath.  Okay, I’m going in.