Own Your Happy: 8 Ways You Thwart Happiness, And How To Stop


Happiness is one of the great mysteries of life. Although we continually wonder what will make us happy and try to work for more of it, we often get frustrated and discouraged. Even with the best of intentions, we often unknowingly get in our own way. The first step to happiness is becoming aware of where you are blocking your own path so that you can “own your happy.”

Here are eight myths about happiness that may be holding you back. Change them you and notice an immediate difference in how you feel!

Myth #1

You have to be perfect (or at least try) to be happy.

There’s a difference between striving for excellence and pursuing perfection. We often believe that being perfect can keep us safe from hurt, rejection, judgment, and failure. However, this actually works against us! Because the end goal of perfectionism is to get someone else’s approval, you end up doing things and being someone that does not actually make you happy.

Antidote: When you find yourself striving for perfection, embrace the 80% rule and focus on doing the best that you can at that moment! Remember, “done is better than perfect.” Consider: is it fear that is driving you? Or a desire to be of value? Whose approval are you seeking? Practice making it your own.

Myth #2

Engaging in habits that help you “check out” will make you happier.

There are a variety of things we do to ”unwind,” but in reality, we are checking out and avoiding uncomfortable feelings.  The obvious villains are food, alcohol, drugs, and cigarettes. But there are so many other more subtle “tools” that we use to numb our feelings: overextending ourselves, hanging out in overwhelm, worrying, internet surfing and overspending.  These behaviors may be immediately gratifying but over time, leave you disappointed in yourself and prevent you from dealing with what is actually making you unhappy.

Antidote: Next time you’re reaching for a cookie or glass of wine, take a moment to check in with your thoughts.  Are you feeling stressed or worried about something? Perhaps you’re feeling lonely or disconnected? Once you identify what you are feeling, try taking an action that would actually help you to feel better. This may be connecting with a friend, finishing a project you’ve been putting off or getting some exercise!

Myth #3

Hiding out from the world makes you feel better.

When we feel unhappy, we may hide from the world and isolate.  A little alone time is helpful, but being an island on your own is overrated. We feel happiest when we are connected to others. Going it alone may look impressive from the outside, but sharing yourself with those you can trust will help you feel understood, accepted, loved and happier – especially when you are feeling down.

Antidote: Although you don’t feel like it, often connecting with others is exactly what will make you feel better. Next time you feel like isolating, take a deep breath and call a friend, go for a walk, or put yourself in a situation where you have the opportunity for positive interaction with others.

Myth #4

I’ll be happy once I __________.

Happiness and a mindset of scarcity or lack cannot coexist.  If you believe some part of yourself is not enough, you will live as if it’s true.  There is always an opportunity to find ourselves insufficient; then the trashy self-talk becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy! The truth is, you are enough when you are doing your best and are feeling proud of who you are.

Antidote: Next time you experience self-doubt, notice if it is tied to something you’re avoiding. For example, if you’re feeling “not good enough,” are you using it as a justification to not take a particular action, be vulnerable or stretch outside of your comfort zone?  Experiment with taking a small step despite the self-doubt. This is exactly what will build your self-confidence!

Myth #5

If I feel too happy, I’m just setting myself up for disappointment.

Experiencing happiness can be uncomfortable, scary and even anxiety-producing. We sometimes feel as if our happiness is just setting us up to fail. You may even think that negating your happiness will help the bad stuff be less painful. Don’t waste your joy! When hard times and challenges do come along, embracing your happy times will make you stronger.

Antidote: Next time you feel resistance to allowing happiness in, bring your focus back to the present moment. Recognize that you are happy and everything is okay. The future is always uncertain; living in the present moment will help you relish your joy and actually give you more resources for the inevitable challenges.

Myth #6

Your happiness depends on someone else.

Often, we make our happiness contingent upon another person or their actions. Outsourcing your happiness leaves you powerless and often feeling like a victim. While other people can – and will – bring you joy, placing your happiness in the hands of someone else is a dangerous game and puts a tremendous amount of pressure on another person. Taking responsibility for your own happiness can be initially uncomfortable, but it ultimately gives you greater power, autonomy, and control over your life.

Antidote: Next time you notice you are waiting for someone else’s approval or actions to make you happy, take a breath and check in with yourself.  What can you do at that moment to take responsibility for your own happiness? Reclaim your power and do something for yourself!

Myth #7

When life slows down I’ll be happier.

We often believe that life will get better “someday!” But time is your life going by.  If you postpone feeling and engaging in activities that make you happy now, you are wasting your precious time. Live as if every day is a gift. By embracing what brings you happiness today, you’ll create the life that you want in the here and now.

Antidote: Next time you catch yourself procrastinating taking an action that will bring you more happiness, stop and decide to do it anyway.  Focus on propelling yourself forward in the moment versus waiting for the “right” time.

Myth #8

It’s too late, and too much has happened to be happy.

Our minds, bodies and spirits are incredibly resilient! Living in the mindset of “it’s too late” is a cop out that gives us permission to wimp out and not try. This kind of attitude allows you to stay stuck, unhappy and justified. It’s never too late to recommit to yourself and find happiness. Often we’re afraid to try because we are afraid of being vulnerable and failing. Take a deep breath and muster your courage! Even a tiny effort will go a long way to restoring your sense of potential and hope.

Antidote:  Next time you catch yourself feeling life may be passing you by, deliberately take even a small action in the direction of your goals and notice the immediate change in how you feel. It is usually the small and consistent actions that lead to accomplishment and happiness.

How Fear Holds You Back – And How To Overcome It

Lisa is frustrated because she hasn’t been able to get her first yoga retreat scheduled yet. She keeps committing to new announcement dates, but says she hasn’t had the time to actually book the trip.

In reality, it’s not time holding Lisa back: it’s her resistance to confronting her fear.

Have you been saying you want to expand your business or take specific actions, yet still find yourself standing in the same place? If the answer is yes, you may unknowingly be letting fear stop you from achieving your goals and dreams.

Fear is inevitable. You can either let it stop you or use it to propel you forward. I promise you will never do anything great without pushing through fear!

What are you most afraid of?  Do any of these resonate?

  • Building your career
  • Dealing with money
  • Raising your standards
  • Making a commitment
  • Making decisions
  • Saying no
  • Envisioning a different future  

What is fear?  

Fear comes from experiencing something outside of our comfort zone. It’s an emotion we experience when our mind contemplates CHANGE in the future– even if it’s for the better.  

Where does fear come from?  

As a child, you probably had some big dreams of what you wanted to be or do in your life.  If you have been around children lately and listened to their conversations – they think big. They dream of being president, of flying to the moon, or becoming a world-class ballerina. Personally, at age 10 I was fully committed to becoming a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader! As we get older, the world seeps in and the more we listen, the bigger and more debilitating our fears become.

It’s important to know there is nothing wrong with feeling afraid.  

If you are continually growing and stretching, fear will regularly come up. Fear is not the problem; it’s the way we deal with it that creates obstacles. Instead of fighting or ignoring fear, think about working with it.

Fear will only subside once you face it.

Yes, you will feel scared and it’s impossible to be fearless.  You have to get comfortable being uncomfortable and not always knowing the answer or outcome.

Courage is not fearlessness.  

Courage is simply the willingness to move forward fear and all. The better you are able to manage and push through fear and discomfort the greater the quality of your life and achievement of what you want will be.  

You are not alone.  Everyone is afraid sometimes.  

When you see people who have succeeded and wonder why they weren’t afraid – most likely they were. The people that succeed in achieving their big dreams and goals just took action in spite of feeling fear.

Here’s where to start

The first step to shifting your relationship to fear is taking action. More specifically, it’s taking imperfect action. If you keep waiting to figure out the exact, most perfect way to start something – STOP. It’s not going to happen. You’re not going to be perfect and that’s OK. The road to success is paved with imperfect action. Don’t let fear stop you from living your dreams!

Food for thought

What would you do in your life if you weren’t afraid to fail?  

I’d love to chat about it and help with a plan to get there. I offer complimentary, no obligation 30-minute coaching calls.  Click here to schedule your complimentary session.

How To Create A Successful Yoga Career: Six tips for staying focused on your goals

This is part 3 of a three-part series. To read part one of the series on goal-setting, click here. To read part two on Taking Action, click here.

Goal setting is a critical part of achieving what you want in your personal and professional life. Taking steps to accomplish your goals is incredibly powerful and cultivates a sense of personal responsibility, pride, and confidence.

But what happens when you map out a clear goal, take consistent action, yet the results don’t show up in the time frame you planned?

It happens, and it’s frustrating.  

But it also allows an opportunity to reflect and make shifts in the present. Often we focus so much on building for the future we neglect the opportunities are right in front of us. Too much focus on the future also breeds stress and negative thinking. Achieving your goals requires flexibility when things don’t go as planned as well as being open to reassessing your goals.

Eckart Tolle summed it up perfectly when he said:

“Nothing has happened in the past; it happened in the Now. Nothing will ever happen in the future; it will happen in the Now.”

Tips For Staying Focused

  1. Realize the present is all you have right now.  The past is history, and the future is entirely unknown. You have today. Now. Don’t squander it.  
  2. Remember life is unpredictable and you can’t control everything that may happen in the future no matter how much you plan and prepare. Don’t waste valuable time and energy focusing on what might happen.
  3. Be open to not knowing and discovering new opportunities. Some of the best opportunities present themselves after a big disappointment. Sometimes it takes hardship to shake you up and realize your strength and capabilities.
  4. Focusing too much on the future is stressful. Although some stress can help to motivate you, the importance of not living in the present can be detrimental to your emotional and physical well-being.  Trying to over plan and control the future just prevents you from living in the present.  
  5. Pay attention to your thoughts. Our thoughts are often so clear and specific they feel like facts – although they haven’t even happened yet. When you notice yourself projecting or worrying about the future, realize they are just thoughts and not reality.  Once you are aware of your thoughts, you can redirect your attention.
  6. Flexibility is crucial. Often the most significant results happen by not achieving precisely what was planned and being flexible enough to spot the win.

I would love to talk to you about your goals!  If you’re interested, click here and schedule a complimentary 20-minute coaching session.

How To Create A Successful Yoga Career: Taking Action (Part 2)

This is part 2 of a three-part series. If you missed part one of the series on goal-
setting, click here to read the article.

You have identified a goal. Fabulous!  However, now the “real” work begins. It’s one thing to have a goal but quite another to commit to consistently doing what it takes to get there.  It’s challenging to propel yourself into action – but even more so to stick to your plan.

Why is that?

The biggest obstacle is your mind.  Your mind is incredibly powerful and can work hard for or against you.  The stories you tell yourself and what you believe about yourself can make or break your plan of action.

If you buy into thoughts like:

  • I don’t have enough time…
  • I can’t do it…
  • I have to wait until “x” happens to get started…

Then the game is over before you’ve even stepped onto the playing field!

It’s evident that type of mindset will result in either complete inertia or quitting before reaching your goal.  Also, once you get started, if you don’t take consistent action, you’re not going to make real progress. Will Rogers said, “Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.”

Here’s the truth:  it’s the daily actions you take that will change what you believe about and for yourself.  The key to success is not only creating an action plan but, more importantly, sticking to it.  Commit to the process of taking daily actions instead of worrying about attaining the end goal.

Here are 8 tips for taking consistent action towards career success:

  1. Make time for yourself and your career.  Take a close look at your priorities and don’t be afraid to say “no” to people and things that don’t align with your career and personal goals.  Be willing to reduce or give-up your involvement in activities and projects that aren’t a high priority.
  2. Think creatively.  If you keep hitting the same brick wall, consider other alternatives.  Many roads lead to success so you may have to take an unfamiliar detour.
  3. Be willing and open to learning and trying new things.  Thinking you know it all and resisting help and advice is not productive. Be open to listening and learning from knowledgeable people and resources.  If something doesn’t work for you or sit right, you don’t have to continue.
  4. Review your progress regularly and be accountable for your results. If you are busy spinning your wheels and making little to no progress, it’s time to re-evaluate and re-organize.
  5. Don’t compare yourself and your progress to other people.  There’s a reason for the saying, “compare and despair.” Stay focused on your goals and actions.
  6. Be consistent in taking action.  There will be days you “don’t feel like it” and want to procrastinate.  Don’t fall into that trap; it’s usually a slippery slope!
  7. Get comfortable being uncomfortable.  Nothing great ever happens inside your comfort zone.  If you think back to your most impactful accomplishments, you will find tolerating discomfort and pushing through fears was part of the process.
  8. Enlist the help of a mentor or coach.  If you are stuck, confused or overwhelmed, a coach can help you see a way through it and regain control.

“Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.” – Will Rogers

If you would like to discuss your career goals and progress with a coach – I would love to hear from you. Just click here to schedule a complimentary 30-minute discovery session.

Next Steps:
What actions are you committed to taking to achieve your goals right now? Remember to be as specific as possible; “I’ll have a conversation with my manager by Friday” versus “I’ll talk to my manager.”

Take tuned for the next instalment!

Creating Career Success: How To Deliberately Design Your Goals (Part 1)

This is part 1 of a three-part series.

You want to take your career to the next level and move beyond that survival mindset.  You’re ready to feel like you’re proactively creating versus scrambling and reacting. But, what do you want? Take a few minutes to really think about what YOU desire. Maybe you want to create teacher trainings or impactful retreats. Maybe you’re ready to get out of a survival mindset and stop scrambling. It’s time to think bigger about your career path and be deliberate about taking steps to get there.

It can feel scary to actually dream about and declare what you want.  What if you fail? Where do you even start? It often feels overwhelming to even THINK about your career dreams and goals.

Let’s start at the beginning:

The first step to achieving career success and happiness is being able to clearly articulate where you want to go. Most people don’t walk around thinking about what they really want and creating a plan to get there. If you want to achieve your goals, you actually do need to do the thinking and planning about what you truly want. Otherwise, your life is lived by default. Thinking and writing out your goals is the first step to making them happen. Your dreams and goals are your internal picture of the future. Everyone has them yet many are unconscious and based on personal history versus deliberately created.

Here are five tips for designing your goals and creating a career plan:

  1. Your goals should be a stretch for you but achievable.  Many times we go from one extreme to the other when setting goals.  If you think too small, you probably won’t be excited to go for those dreams. On the other hand, if you design goals that aren’t realistic, most likely you will feel like it’s too much and set yourself up to fail.  
  2. Put aside the “should’s” and other people’s opinions.  Often we set goals based on something we think we “should” do but either aren’t ready to do or it’s not truly what YOU want. Don’t set your goals based on someone else’s opinions or desires. Either of these scenarios will result in you having no real connection to the goal or why you’re even putting in the effort to achieve it.  
  3. Focus on the positive versus limiting yourself a negative mindset.  You don’t want to create goals based on what you don’t want.  It is easier to envision change from a mindset of positivity of what already exists. This calls for you to be imaginative and push aside the limitations you may have created based on where you are right now.
  4. Watch out for the mediocrity mindset. Settling for mediocrity is tempting. It’s easier and more comfortable to sit in “it’s not great but it’s not terrible”. We tolerate, justify and have a list of reasons why it’s OK to not reach for our greatest potential. I promise you weren’t put on this earth to be mediocre or live an “it’s just OK” life. Challenge the human tendency to just settle!
  5. Share your goals with people in your life and who will be supportive. Steer clear of talking about your dreams with those who are prone to focus on the negative. Having positive people in your corner helps with accountability and support. Also the more you talk about your goals, the more likely you are to stay connected to them and follow through.

Action Step:

Take some time to think about what you really want and why. Take the time to research and investigate what you would need to do to get there. Let go of the negative and limiting internal chatter that may tell you it’s not realistic, too hard or you’re not good enough. Focus on deliberately designing goals that reflect what success looks like for YOU.

Stay tuned for the next instalment of this blog series, Taking Action!

Eight good reasons to get uncomfortable

  • You want to host your first yoga retreat, but are paralyzed by self-doubt.  
  • You know it’s time to try broadcasting live on Facebook…but can’t work up the nerve to do it.
  • You know you’re not “just” a yoga teacher and have a mission to help people connect with their purpose and live healthier lives, but standing in those shoes feels overwhelming.

What if you don’t succeed?  It IS easier to stick to what you “know.” But, time goes by and you’re doing the same thing day after day, wondering why you aren’t further along in your career.  What happened?

You’re stuck in your comfort zone!  

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to feel safe and secure, but too much of it leads to stagnation.  Typically, everything you want is just on the other side of your comfort zone. There is growth and success in the unfamiliar.

It’s time to get comfortable being uncomfortable!

However, this is easier said than done.  As children, we’re natural risk-takers.  But, as adults, we hold ourselves back and tend to try fewer new things.  We are afraid of failure! It’s helpful to connect to the benefits of stepping out of your comfort zone. You are more likely to push through fear if you’re aware of the rewards on the other side.  

Here are eight benefits to stepping outside your comfort zone:

1.Boost Your Confidence

Pushing past your boundaries and taking on the unknown builds self-confidence – even if you aren’t 100% successful the first time.  Every time you accomplish something you didn’t think you were capable of it boosts your self-esteem. Stop thinking about what you could do and start acting!

2.Increase Your Creativity

When you do the same thing day after day, it becomes more challenging to dream and create. New situations require using your creativity to find solutions.  You may even be surprised at how creative you become when faced with a new challenge.

3.Experience Growth

Every time you get out of your comfort zone there is an opportunity to grow.  You can’t evolve and expand if you stick to your regular routines and what’s familiar.  Trying new things will help you learn and navigate life.

4.Opportunity To Practice

That old saying, “practice makes perfect” has merit.  It takes practice to achieve great things, and it typically takes a lot of small gains to achieve competence.  Also, if you do fail, it’s an opportunity to pick yourself up and try again: every time you push yourself to try again, you’ll boost your self-confidence.

5.Live Without Regrets

One of the biggest fears in life is ending up with regrets.  Do you really want to spend your life wondering, what if? If you don’t take actions outside of your comfort zone on a regular basis, it likely what will happen. You have one life so live it to the fullest!

6.Things WILL Change

Yes, they will and often for the better!  New people, new places, new experiences, and new knowledge.  It can feel scary and overwhelming but once you push through the fear and experience change, you will focus more on where you want to be. Change may be exactly what you need to achieve your goals.

7.Build Resiliency

Having the ability to overcome challenges and face them head-on is a magical quality.  When you are able to bounce back from seemingly insurmountable situations, the belief in who you are can carry you to new heights.

8.Increase Your Chance of Success

Success happens over time and is usually a result of taking consistent actions outside your comfort zone.  You become stronger and more confident with each gain you make. Every time you step out of your comfort zone you move closer to your goals.

Remember great things never come from inside your comfort zone!

For Yoga Teachers: How To Have An Uncomfortable Conversation

How often do you put off or totally avoid having difficult conversations? You know the ones you’ve been intending to have:

  • asking management for more classes
  • taking time off
  • studio policies
  • addressing student complaints, or
  • replacing props

Does the mere thought of speaking up or asking the studio for what you want create a knot in your stomach? Last week, I was working with one of my favorite yoga teachers, Natalie, who was very upset with the studio managers:

I can’t believe the manager is trying to schedule me for all evening classes again. I’ve requested more day classes for the past six months.  I know other teachers were given more daytime classes. And….the studio still hasn’t gotten any new mats!! Obviously, I’m not valued or respected.

I asked Natalie if she had recently spoken to the studio manager about the issue and she responded,

I don’t know what to say. What if she gets upset her angry with me? I’d love to leave, but I really need a good relationship with this studio. Is there a nice way for me to phrase it?

As she continued expressing her concerns, I pointed out that her worries had little to do with the studio manager’s feelings. Natalie was simply looking for a way to avoid feeling uncomfortable. 

What do you mean?” she asked.

As we continued to talk, Natalie realized her number one fear is that her employer will not be happy with what she has to say. The conversation might also stir up conflicting opinions or feelings, and Natalie may even be on the receiving end of criticism or judgment.

Her discomfort deepened as she started to question if expressing herself or asking for something was simply just wrong. 

Am I being unreasonable?  Is it selfish to ask for a schedule change? I should probably just let it go and deal with the evening classes.

If you find yourself in this position – wanting to say something but feeling anxious and avoiding the conversation – realize the first step is getting comfortable with being uncomfortable.

Recognizing and accepting what you’re feeling, versus running away and avoiding it, makes a big difference. These acknowledgments will actually make your situation less uncomfortable. 

Here are my top 10 tips to get you on the road to speaking up and pushing through the discomfort.

  • Don’t put off the conversation.  If you find yourself repeatedly promising you’ll address it next time, now is the time to speak up.  It’s much easier to tackle conversations as situations present themselves.  Not only can you resolve and move past the issue faster but you will also escape the inner chatter that continues as long as you stay silent.
  • Set up a time to have the conversation – no surprises.  You could say, for example,  “There’s something important I wanted to discuss with you.  Is now a good time or is there another time that works better for you?”
  • Be clear about your intention, concerns and feelings upfront.  For example:  “It’s awkward to bring this up and I don’t want to upset you, but I feel it’s important to talk it through.” 
  • Set up the conversation to put the other person at ease from the start. You are setting the tone for the conversation so they are prepared and open to listening. For example: “I want to share with you what’s on my mind and get your feedback. I realize you may have a different perspective and I want to hear you and understand.
  • Be graceful in the conversation. If the other person gets defensive or upset when you speak to them, it probably means you are using too many definitive statements. Qualify your statements with lines like, “I don’t know if it’s true, but this is how I perceived it.”
  • Focus on speaking directly and put your feelings and requests on the table. If you leave the conversation feeling you didn’t fully express yourself and ask for what you want, then you probably used too much tact.
  • When setting up the conversation, start with assuming it’s you. This has nothing to do with being right or wrong, but about never assuming you know what the other person is thinking or feeling. Come from a place of simply wanting to hear what they have to say so you have a better shot at being heard – it usually works.

When you communicate something difficult and it goes badly, it’s usually because there is an accusation in it or an assumption about something they did. If you start with assuming that you bear responsibility, it typically keeps the other person from getting defensive. For example, “I’m not sure if this is true but…”

  • Listen with an open mind, just as you’d want them to listen to you. Put yourself in their shoes and understand what they experienced. The point is to “get” their version. You don’t have to agree, you just have to understand. Acknowledge (and if appropriate apologize) for your part in their negative experience.
  • This isn’t about being perfect, being right, winning or avoiding a fight. It’s about being mature, honest and building better relationships. It’s about being a leader with your communication style.
  • Every conversation will not go as you planned or even as you wanted. It’s also okay to make mistakes at this. It’s okay to need more than one conversation to get it right. It’s okay to be successful with some people and not so successful with others. Remember this is like building a muscle so start with conversations that are slightly uncomfortable for you and build to the harder ones.

Need more help?

Contact me for a free 15-minute consult for additional or specific support!

Yoga Teachers: How To Ask For A Raise

Let’s face it; no one really likes talking about money.   

Unfortunately, if you avoid financially advocating for yourself, you’ll likely end up not only settling and undervalued, but also underpaid! Often the problem isn’t that clients and employers won’t pay what you’re worth; it’s that you won’t ASK!

Whether you are thinking of raising your rates, asking for a raise or negotiating in a new position, I can’t stress to you the importance of valuing yourself and your time.  

“Until you value yourself, you won’t value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it. ”

– M. Scott Peck

This is easier said than done, especially in the wellness world where there’s often negativity and guilt associated with desiring financial prosperity. So first and foremost, you must stop believing that you don’t deserve to be well-compensated for helping people!

If you’re like me, you probably have a history of valuing yourself at a certain level. And when you even THINK about asking for more, those voices in your head star to chime in: 

  • What if they say no or I lose clients?  
  • What if I don’t give enough value to be worth that?
  • What if I’m not good enough?

This is just fear talking. Our inner fear voice will try to keep us in a certain comfort zone where we don’t have to do anything too hard or too scary. Unfortunately, we often allow fear to win  – and end up losing potential revenue by accepting being underpaid.

Remember: it’s normal to feel afraid when you start to take a stand for your own value. However, feeling uncomfortable doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it nor that something is “wrong”. Everyone feels afraid when they do something beyond their comfort zone. The butterflies in your stomach will not magically go away  – and are usually a sign you are moving in the right direction. It’s up to you to decide to push through the fear. Also, know the longer you put the conversation off, the bigger and more overwhelming it will become in your mind.

Once you’ve mastered your mindset, here are a few tips for the actual conversation:

Be yourself.
You don’t have to be overbearing or aggressive to be a good negotiator. Find an authentic voice that allows you to advocate for yourself with confidence and convey your value with sincere intent and conviction. You can take a strong position without being tough or defensive. Learning to speak authentically while holding your boundaries is a powerful skill to use in all areas of your life.

It’s normal to ask for an increase.  
It’s not greedy or selfish to ask for a pay raise. Prices go up incrementally over time for nearly every product or service and it’s expected.  You’re not asking for a favor, just fair compensation for your work.

Do your research.
Make sure you know what the market rate is for your services. Be sure to consult multiple sources since you aren’t the only one who undervalues their services! It’s useful information to have whether you find you’re underpaid or at the top of the market.  

Be prepared for the conversation.
You don’t want to “wing it” when discussing your financial future.  Take the time to think about why you’ve earned a raise or rate increase.  You don’t need to go overboard with a detailed presentation feeling you have to “convince” the employer or client, just connect to your value and the good work that you do. You will be able to speak more confidently in that mindset. Also, have a dollar amount in mind. If you’re raising a client’s rate, be specific as to what the new rate is and if you’re asking an employer for a pay raise know what you will and will not accept.  

Be prepared for a “no”.
If you’re increasing individual client rates, you may end up losing a few. There’s a saying, “Some will.  Some won’t. Who cares? Who’s next?”  It’s about eliminating a scarcity mindset versus being cold or uncaring. You want to attract the “right” clients for your services and be OK letting those that don’t fit go elsewhere. The “right” clients see the value in your work and are willing to invest time and money.

If you’re negotiating your salary with an employer and you get a “no”, don’t give up.  This is an opportunity to get direction and feedback on what it will take to get the raise or salary in the future.  

Act as if you’re negotiating for someone else.
People are typically better at asking on behalf of others versus negotiating for themselves. When advocating for other people, you’re more likely to hold your ground and worry less about judgment or outcome. Use that knowledge and skill to your advantage!

I hope this is helpful!  If you want to talk further about negotiating your rates or salary, I’d love to speak to you.  Click here to schedule a 20-minute complimentary one-on-one consultation with me.  

Don’t Let Procrastination Get In The Way Of Growing Your Dream Business

Erin’s dream is to grow her yoga business, put together a series of workshops and create her first retreat.  She is a talented and inspirational teacher with adoring clients who often ask about her next event. In fact, several months ago, Erin announced to clients that a date for the retreat would come soon.

I had the pleasure of taking Erin’s class last week, and we grabbed a coffee after class to catch up. I asked her when the retreat was happening.  Uncomfortably she said,

“Oh, I know, I’ve been meaning to set a date, but haven’t gotten to it yet. I’ve been so busy lately.”

If I weren’t a life coach who knew Erin well, I would have sympathized with her “too busy” story and moved on, but I can recognize an excuse a mile away.  So I continued the conversation,

“I know how much you want to grow your business and creating this retreat is a big dream. What is keeping you too busy to get this going?  Can I help you talk it through?“

Quietly Erin said:

“I keep promising myself to set a date, weeks fly by, and I make no progress.  Every time I start to look at locations, I get overwhelmed, confused and stuck. What’s wrong with me?”

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with Erin, she’s just being human and stuck in the trap of procrastination.  We chatted a bit and got to the bottom of what was blocking her. Erin got teary and explained the painful internal conversation running through her mind daily:

  • “What if no one signs up?
  • Why would someone pay that much money for a retreat with me?
  • I may be kidding myself not be able to put together a great experience for clients.  
  • Maybe I’m just not ready to do something on that level?”

Ouch. No wonder Erin was stuck. Her procrastination was just the voice of fear and self-doubt yelling louder than the sound of her dream!

The trouble is, the negative voices stemming from fear will not just go away on their own. Erin will not wake up fearless one day so what IS the solution to procrastination?

Since this is one of the most frequently asked questions I hear as a coach, I decided to put together a free e-book:

Typically when we feel fear, the mind interprets it as a sign to stop because we’re going in the wrong direction. Ironically, the reverse is true! What we are most afraid of is typically the very thing we need to do to move forward and achieve our goals.

Taking action may feel scary, but the trick is not to let fear stop you. You have to get comfortable being uncomfortable and not always knowing the answer. Every time you push through fear, you get stronger and more confident. Growth requires getting out of your comfort zone. I promise you nothing extraordinary was ever accomplished in your comfort zone. Also, know there is a direct correlation between the level of your achievement and the ability to deal with being out of your comfort zone.  

I hope you find this guide helpful.  Please reach out to me with any questions or comments at christine@christineyoungcoaching.com  

I would love to hear from you!

PS: Each week I offer a limited number of 20-minute complimentary consultations.  I would be happy to help talk you through what’s underneath your procrastination.  Just click here to go directly to my calendar and schedule your free 20-minute session.

How You’re Standing In Your Own Way With Love, and What You Can Do About It

Does it have to be so hard to find love?

Last week I started working with Laurie, a new client, who came to me with a complaint that I hear very often:

“Why is it so hard to find love?  I’ve been putting a lot of time and effort into dating and not getting anywhere.  Maybe it’s just not going to happen for me.“

Laurie is a smart, attractive woman who enjoys her job and is a nice person. So why hasn’t she found her dream guy after putting herself out there consistently?  

Laurie continues, “Are there no good men left? Do I have to move to another city to find a great guy?  Do all men have commitment issues?”

Fortunately for Laurie, the answer to all three questions is NO!   

“So what’s the problem?  What do I do?”

I’m so glad she asked. There’s nothing “wrong” with Laurie her, but her logic and beliefs around dating and love are all out of whack!  

For years, Laurie has been justifying dating men (sometimes several at a time) who aren’t quite ready to commit. A few she’s kept around for fun and to avoid loneliness; they have “potential,” and she is waiting for them to change.   

She tells herself, “When he gets a job he likes or stops being so busy at work, then things will change.” Or “After he heals from his last relationship or gets tired playing the field he will realize how perfect we are for each other.”

I ask Laurie to consider:

“What if it’s not the fault of the men you are dating? YOU are doing the “picking” of those men, and YOU are choosing to continue dating them.”

While this is confronting and hard for Laurie to hear, understanding her own responsibility for her dating life empowers her make different choices –  and actually find her dream guy!

It can be challenging to confront our old habits. It takes time, effort and the willingness to be vulnerable. I understand – because I’ve been there. It took me a long time to figure it out that I was responsible for making the choices that were keeping me stuck and unfulfilled.

When I ask Laurie what she wants from a relationship, she immediately declares, “I want to get married and start a family.”

But when we review the men she’s been spending her precious time with, they were all dismal candidates:

Guy #1:  Recently divorced with two children, openly tells her he’s not ready for a serious relationship, but someday he wants to remarry and maybe would have another child if it was the right woman.

Guy #2:  He’s fun, hot and the chemistry is great.  He’s never married and says he’s looking for the right woman to settle down with and have a family.  She hears from him once every week or so. He’s busy with work and other commitments. They go out once a while, have a great time and then – poof, she doesn’t hear from him for days or sometimes weeks.

Guy #3:  What I call the “pop-up ex.” They dated last year. It didn’t work out for many reasons. Once in a while she gets bored or lonely (or drinks and dials) and wants some attention. It is fun at the moment, but she’s left feeling sad and a little resentful. Laurie says when she meets the right guy it will stop, but in the meantime thinks it’s better than nothing.

There is  nothing “wrong” or “bad” about any of these men. They’re just not looking for a committed relationship with Laurie. While there is nothing wrong with casual dating for fun or revisiting that great chemistry with your ex, you must recognize the peril of taking such actions when it’s not truly aligned with your relationship goals.

There’s a difference between taking time to let a healthy relationship develop and see where it goes – and waiting for a man to change to meet your needs.  

You need to make choices about whom and how you date based on what you want right now.

It can be very scary to let go of companionship, even when it isn’t giving us what we want. Many of us ask the question that Laurie asks me: “But why be alone? Why not keep dating Mr. Wrong until Mr. Right shows up?”

Here are two important reasons to cut the cord:

  1. “Something” is not better than “nothing” in the long term.  Your time and space are all booked up with men who don’t want the same thing that you do. There’s no room for real love to enter the picture. You’re wasting her time.
  2. If you are looking for a committed relationship that leads to a marriage and a family, why date someone who is not looking for that too? It’s like saying you want to lose weight and then eating donuts all day. It’s not going to happen!

Like Laurie, we must all be brave and honest when we’re asking for what we really want.

If your date doesn’t have the same relationship goals, it’s time for you to nicely say “goodbye.”

When I suggest to Laurie that she ask her dates what they want from a relationship, she is aghast, “You mean tell him I’m looking for a partner and a family?  What if I scare him off?”

We often get squeamish about asking someone else what they want in a relationship, even if we have no trouble asking about what they want in other areas of our lives! I ask Laurie if she has an issue asking these men about their career goals, interests, or where they see  themselves living long term. “Of course not,” she says.

“So why not ask about what he’s looking for in a relationship?”   

While I’m not suggesting your start an inquisition on the first date, it doesn’t take months to find out if you have a mutual vision for your romantic future. If your date is balks at the question, then you just saved yourself a lot of time and potential heartache.   

Let me ask you…

  • If you wanted to travel to Paris would you take a flight to Miami,  hoping the plane might change course if you just hang in there?
  • Would you accept a new job without even inquiring about the salary?  

It’s time to take a look at how you’re doing love and get out of your own way.

Here’s my advice:

  • Take responsibility for who you are deciding to date.
  • Don’t approach your romantic relationships hoping and wondering! If you don’t know what he wants, ask him! Have an honest conversation.
  • Let go of relationships that don’t align with what you want. Don’t buy into the “something is better than nothing” belief!

It’s time for you to take control of your love life. Get out of your own way – and find what you want. The power to make a real change is in your hands.

*If you want to explore what’s been happening (or not happening) in your love life or get tips on how to have these difficult conversations, let’s talk! Special Valentine’s Week offer: book a complimentary 20-minute consultation with me to see how I can help.

Six Weeks To Self Love: The Illuminated Woman

My client Julia called me yesterday in despair.

“I promised to make big changes in my life this year. I was so excited and motivated on January 1 ! Now only 2 weeks later I’ve basically thrown them all out the window.”

In the past year, Julia had been under a lot of stress and let her bad habits take over. Her company downsized and even though she didn’t lose her job, she was doing the work of three people and being underpaid. Then for months she didn’t put much effort into finding that great relationship she wanted so badly and had shied away from many social plans.

“I don’t have the time or the energy and I feel so blah. I just want to go home and hide.”

Julia didn’t feel confident and hadn’t been motivated to do anything consistently about it. She kept putting it all off and didn’t feel good physically or mentally about herself or her body.

“Once I feel more confident and better about myself I’ll be motivated to do it all. Once things slow down I’ll really focus on myself.” Julia realized that an entire year had passed and she was still stuck in the same place, making the same promises to herself and not following through.

She then asked the magic question,

“What’s wrong with me? Why do I keep doing this to myself?”

I answered with one of my favourite quotes from A Course in Miracles: “Do you not see that all your misery comes from the strange belief that you are powerless?” Then I asked her, “Do you want to be suffering over the same issues a year from now?”

Julia had been doing what so many of us do:

  • She had been afraid of stepping into her greatness and going for all of her dreams.
  • She had been unwilling to push through discomfort.
  • She had gotten stuck in a pattern of settling, tolerating and holding onto safety.
  • She was playing small to stay under the radar rather than taking the powerful actions to be that woman she dreamed of being.

But…I could hear in her voice: she was tired of listening to herself complain.

“I see that I keep procrastinating and so much time is going by. I’m missing out on so much in life.”

Julia decided to make a commitment to herself. It was time to pour on the self-love and self-care she had been missing! She was ready to let go of all the justifications and bad inner dialog she had entertained and believed for so long.

Does anything about Julia’s situation seem familiar?  Are you ready for your own dose of self-love and self-care? It will help you change anything!

Here’s my suggestion:

Sign up for my 6-week course, The Illuminated Woman. I teach this 6-week coaching course with Dana James (a triple certified nutritionist who is also trained in cognitive behavioural therapy). Specially designed for women, this course will help you undo self-defeating patterns, radically shift your relationship with food, and set up healthy mental and physical habits for self-nourishment and self-love.

Details:

  • Starts Tuesday, February 13
  • Runs for 6 consecutive weeks
  • All calls are recorded in case you can’t make the phone call live!

 WHAT TO EXPECT:

  • Seven-day meal plans for each week – these are plant-rich plans that can be adjusted for a vegan diet.
  • 70-minute calls for 6 consecutive weeks.
  • Your own 45-minute private coaching call with me to tackle specific concerns.
  • Emails to troubleshoot and remind you that you’re supported on this journey.
  • Commitment to each other and ourselves to stay motivated focused and nourished over this 6-week program.

BONUS GIFTS:

  • 1lb raw, organic Beauti-fuel protein powder developed by Dana James.
  • My 7-day Brain & Body Boot Camp program, featuring fitness guru Amanda Russell with streaming video and mind exercises.

PRICING:

  • $699 USD for 6-week program.
  • $625: early bird discounted price for sign-up by Friday, February 2.

It’s time for self-love!