Why Chaos Is Good News: How To Navigate Change

I have uprooted my life in Vancouver, BC to follow my heart on a grand adventure. YAY! Fun, excitement and grand romance!

And….terrifying.

In taking this wild ride, I kicked out the support struts from under my own foundation. I’ve uprooted my job, access to friends, familiar surroundings, material possessions, and my happy routines.

Despite the romance of adventure, I feel like a cat in a strange house: ears back, tail down, looking for corner in which to hide.

We all know this space: let’s call it free fall.

Free fall happens when we change jobs, fall in love, break up, move across the country, get a divorce, get married, have kids, or undergo any manner of “major change.” Free fall also happens in little ways in our daily lives. We feel it when we screw up at work, fight with a loved one, fall short as a parent, or lose our sense of self-worth.

“Fear of death carries its own essence and predominates [the consciousness of] even the wise.”

Patanjali Sutra 2.9, Yoga International

Yoga philosophy tells us that fear of death (abhinivesa) is natural, even in the wise. (We can understand this “death” as both literal and metaphorical.) However, to live the soulful lives that we deeply want, we must be willing to face death again and again. We must risk dying to our ego, our attachments, our perceptions, and our habits.

“Chaos should be regarded as very good news.”

Pema Chodron

When we enter free fall – whether it’s a major upheaval or a minor tremor – we can regard it as good news. Free fall exposes our dependence on the external world – possessions, job titles, other people’s opinions, or even relationships – for our sense of wholeness. When the “bottom falls out,” we have the opportunity to recognize that there is in fact, another bottom. Beyond our ego, there is something that lies within us that is stable, consistent, loving, and whole. But usually we are so busy fortifying our sense of safety with the immediate stuff (jobs, possessions, praise) that we don’t recognize and our deeper Reserves.

“Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible in us be found.”

Pema Chodron

When we practice yoga, we are – in a sense – practicing free fall. We come to our mats to create a space where we can exist – for a time – beyond the habitual identifications with our jobs, habits, and even family dynamics. We look across the room at other travellers practicing on the mat; we don’t need to know what they do or even their names: we are simply fellow travellers in Presence. When we give ourselves this breathing room – in a sense, creating our own “little death” – we create a space to arrive freshly in our lives as if for the first time.

It takes enormous courage to willingly come into Free Fall, to brush against death in order to dismantle the comfortable structures that can obfuscate our deeper selves. The next time that you find yourself in a Free Fall, can you – with sweetness and self-care – breathe into that wide open space of uncertainty?

“We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time. ”

TS Eliot

Filling Up Your Energy: Four Tips to Slow Down

We have a cultural habit of high productivity and effort, and many well intended people end up burnt out or grappling with restlessness. Over time, even the most “advanced” or seasoned yoga practitioners must re-learn the importance of staying present. If you often feel like you’re walking one pace faster than you physically can, perhaps it’s time to consider the amount of enjoyment you have in what you’re doing. While progress may feel stilted when we slow down, ultimately our lives become more enjoyable when we can detach ourselves from achievement, and tune into our experiences instead.

When you first approach any endeavour, start by setting your attention on a thought that encourages an attitude of open interest. When we draw on our inner resources of breath, presence, and current awareness, we are much less likely to become entangled ahead of ourselves. Whether we know our own “saboteur” well or not, there is always an ebb and flow in progress. The more present we stay, the less likely we are to find ourselves stuck in a familiar dilemma or discouraging set back.

Try these simple practices in the morning, before an important interaction, or any time during the day you feel yourself picking up momentum towards becoming scattered or anxious.

Notice your physical space.

Most meditation techniques guide you to begin by following your breath, but I find this challenging in particularly bustling environments. When my attention feels fragmented, it helps to focus on just a few objects in my immediate vicinity.

Pay attention to the specific colours and objects around you that draw your interest.

If the first few observations you make feel distressing, look instead for a striking object that peaks your interest. Keep it simple at first: a design, a child’s expression or a colour palette that relaxes you.

Tune into your body.

Get to know what helps you personally stay present, and brings your focus from scattered to centered. Some people wiggle their toes to connect to their feet, while others begin a deep belly breath. Personally, a few shoulder rolls or simple movements help me release any tension or emotions I may be feeling.

Remember your original motive.

Use your cognitive thinking skills to do a quick check in. Is it time to take a break from my efforts, change environments or connect with an outside source to help me get back in my groove? As much as we like to build our ability to “tune in”, none of us need to tackle life alone. Increasing your connection to the support around you can renew your enthusiasm and offer a fresh perspective. We all need those moments with a friend, pet, or nature to appreciate and balance the momentum of our lives.

Ultimately, we are creating our lives and how we want to feel in them, day by day. We become more energized by consciously creating more enjoyment as we navigate changes and meeting the needs of the day. Whatever your next endeavour, make sure you don’t speed towards completion, but pause along the way. Letting the energy flow towards where you are headed by staying present will feel more rewarding than urgently rushing through our days.

How To Cope With Anxiety

Some mornings are okay.

If I can get out of bed quickly enough and start moving, I can often jump start my day through assertive action and coffee. I almost always wake up with some anxiety, but I can usually douse it by getting productive.

Other mornings are not okay.

I wake up from my anxious dreams and my mind races through everything that could possibly be wrong. My relationship, my tiny apartment, my work as a consultant, my failed marriage, my lack of children, my feelings of isolation. Real estate in Vancouver is a favorite and frequent stressor.

Rather than feeling connected, alive, and grateful, I implode like a dwarf star: dense and tight.

Here are five ways I cope.

1. Move

Get the energy OUT. Put on loud music, move your body, make sound, and shake. There is a lot of energy in anxiety: get it out through chaotic movement. You don’t need to be controlled. Shout in a pillow, cry, or just stand and jiggle your bones.

Depression is harder. When you are depressed, the last thing you want to do is move. Move anyway. Jump in place fifty times. Then see.

I prefer the freedom of not being in public so that I can move wildly, make horrific expressions, emit weird noises, and not alarm the general populace. It’s not pretty. However, if you can’t get yourself to move on your own, then go to a class. Not yin. Go to one that gets your heartbeat up and makes you sweat.

2. Speak

Scrawl into a journal (it doesn’t have to be legible), scream it into a pillow, or channel your voices into a flowing deluge of tongues. However you do it, expressing your truth will move your energy as well. By speaking your truth (no matter how crazy-cray, ugly, or irrational), you get the voices out of your head and into the world where you can have some distance from them. When you hear these stories outside of yourself, they begin to shift and lose their potency. It’s a little like exorcising demons, friends.

Actually, it’s a lot like that.

3. Connect

Call a friend, go to coffee. Confess yourself. Get vulnerable. Share. Accept a hug. Give a hug. Expose yourself and your truth to someone safe and trusted. They don’t need to fix you or give advice: the act of being heard and seen is profoundly healing.

4. Do good

Sometimes the fastest way to feel better is to be of service. Go do something good. Listen to someone’s problems, give blood, clean your mom’s windows. You will remind yourself that what you do matters and you make a difference by being here. Sometimes we forget.

5. Clean Up

It can also be helpful – if you are a control freak like me – to do housework. Physical work like scrubbing the floors and walls is therapeutic. But you can also “clean up” by finishing those old chores that you have back burnered for a few weeks (or months, or years). Getting those tasks off your plate reminds you that you can take some control in your life, and that can feel really good. If you are feeling mentally overwhelmed, start with physical housework to get in your body and go from there.

6. Get in nature

If possible, get in nature. Reconnect with the earth, the trees, the sky. The sky reminds us that we are part of something greater. The mountains remind us that our problems will pass. The trees mind us how to breathe. Mama earth can hold a lot in her generous arms; give her your time and she will hug you back.

Finally, remember that you are not alone. Every human understands heartbreak; we’ve all felt the overwhelm. Some of us may feel it more, but we can move through these feelings if we keep taking one breath at a time. Our spiritual daily work: when our hearts break, let them crack wide open. Let the sun and wind in.

“There is a crack, a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.” – Leonard Cohen

How Meditation Helped Me Through Addiction Recovery

Overcoming addiction is singlehandedly the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life.

Through addiction and recovery, I learned more about myself than I ever thought possible. I learned that my mind was highly susceptible to outside influence, and that’s something I desperately needed to change.

My painful road to addiction

In the prime of my life, I was in a terrible car wreck. My friends and I were driving home from the beach on a beautiful sunny day in June. The world was at our feet. Or so we thought.

My friend John was driving along the long stretch of road that ran alongside the ocean. It was a beautiful drive, and he liked to drive fast.

I knew it was dangerous, but I didn’t want to seem uncool. So I sat there in silence.

As we were careening down that road, a white sedan attempted a u-turn into our lane. Either she didn’t see us or didn’t realize how fast we were going. The next thing I knew, I was in a hospital bed. I was recovering from many injuries, including a spinal fracture. Pain medications become a way of life.

I lost two friends that day, including John. And that’s a pain that no meds could cure.

I returned home from the hospital with a long list of care instructions and a prescription for OxyContin. The painkillers worked as advertised. They worked on the physical pain and even seemed to dull my emotional pain.

At first, I took my prescription as recommended. But it wasn’t long before I needed higher doses to relieve the same pain. I was amazed at how quickly my tolerance grew.

Prescription painkiller addiction

I don’t remember the exact moment when I realized I was addicted. I started to catch on when my doctor was reluctant to refill my prescription. But part of me believed he was overreacting. Part of me needed to believe that.

After my own doctor stopped prescribing pills, I found others who would. In addiction circles, we call this “doctor shopping.”

I guess I realized I had a problem when I was on my second or third doctor. Because I started having trouble getting refills, I had to go longer periods without “a fix.” Then I felt physical withdrawal symptoms, and I couldn’t ignore the problem any longer. I was an addict.

Addiction and brain chemistry

It’s a very humbling moment to realize you’ve become an addict. How did this happen?

From the outside, it’s easy to wonder why I wouldn’t get help at this point. The answer? I had a disease. The disease of addiction changes your brain chemistry so you lose your own free will.

The progression from prescription pills to heroin was much easier than I would have ever expected. And then came another level of shame. People think addicts don’t care about these things, but that’s not true. We care; we just can’t help it.

When I finally hit rock bottom, I was ready and willing to do whatever it took to get sober. I was motivated, but I didn’t fully understand what was in store for me.

Depression, anxiety, and recovery

I started at a typical rehab center where they helped me through the physical detoxification process. This is the part that includes some very ugly withdrawal symptoms.

But that wasn’t the worst of it by far.

They released me from the rehab shortly after my physical symptoms subsided. And then I met PAWS.

Post-Acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS) is the stage of recovery that comes next. Because drugs alter your brain chemistry, it can take months or even years for your brain to relearn how to work without them. During this time, your brain struggles to supply the right amount of natural dopamine to keep you functioning normally. This is why depression and anxiety are such major parts of recovery.

I was struggling hard. I was even thinking about relapsing.

And then I met the person who would change everything.

How meditation helped me overcome addiction

On a particularly difficult day, I stopped for coffee on the way to work and ran into an old friend from rehab. He looked amazing!

Unlike me, he seemed confident and secure in his sobriety. I jokingly asked him his secret, as if there’s a magic pill or something. In reality, I was convinced that he was just a stronger person than I was.

When he told me what he was doing, I was skeptical.

Barry credited meditation for pulling him out of the depths of despair. That sounds dramatic, I know, but those depths are real. I was talking to Barry from my own despair pit on that very day.

When I got home, I began feverishly researching meditation. And then it all made sense.

What I learned that day was enough to drive me to start meditating straight away.

The meditation-recovery connection

As it turns out, meditation and drug abuse have something in common: Dopamine.

Dopamine is closely associated with pleasure-seeking activities, including addiction, but it also has other roles. It plays a part in memory, mood, learning, and sleep. If your body doesn’t have enough dopamine, you may become depressed. In the case of addiction, dopamine is partially responsible for the intense cravings that drive you to use drugs.

Interestingly enough, meditation also increases dopamine in the brain. In fact, Kjaer and colleagues (2002) found that meditation increased endogenous dopamine by 65 percent.

Through my practice, I’ve learned that meditation not only provides a natural dopamine boost, but it also helps strengthen the mind. When I finally gained some control over my negative thought patterns, I found it much easier to resist any cravings.

I’m not sure where I was headed on that day that I met Barry in the coffee shop, but my future wasn’t looking good. Today, I have a completely different outlook, and I feel like I have a new lease on life. It was still a difficult journey, but meditation helped me overcome the biggest struggle of my life.

Source:

Kjaer, T. W.; Bertelsen, C.; Piccini, P.; Brooks, D.; Alving, J.; Lou, H. C. Cognitive Brain Research 2002, 13 (2), 255–259.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11958969/