Reimagining the Yamas and Niyamas

sutra - threads

In The Yoga Sutra (sutra = “thread”), the yamas and niyamas are often translated as “external” and “internal observances,” or guidelines for conducting ourselves with others and ourselves. My first teacher suggested that the yamas and niyamas were, “yoga’s version of the Ten Commandments.”

The yamas (external observances) are:

  • non-violence
  • truthfulness
  • non-stealing
  • celibacy
  • non-grasping

The niyamas (internal observances) are:

  • willingness to endure intensity (tapas)
  • self-study/ study of spiritual books
  • surrender to the highest
  • cleanliness
  • contentment

However, a more powerful perspective is that the yamas and niyamas aren’t rules at all; they are practical and invaluable signposts that help us investigate our spiritual and emotional progress.

The Purpose of Yoga

Patanjali (compiler of the sturas) was not interested in yoga practitioners being “good.” His primary objective was to help practitioners deepen their connection to the true Self. The objective of the sutras is explicitly outlined in sutra 1.2-1.4:

  • Yoga is the restraint of the fluctuations of the mindsutff.
  • The the Seer (Witness/ Self/ Purusha/ Consciousness) resides in its own nature.
  • Otherwise it assumes all the modifications of the mindstuff.

In other words, yoga occurs when we calm our minds enough to experience our own Presence. This is the true Self. Otherwise, we are attached to the thoughts, feelings, and identifications that we have learned from our conditioning. It’s a little like our mind is a lake. When disturbed by wind (thoughts and feelings), the surface of the lack is choppy and unclear. But when the lake is calm, then the lake can reflect the sky (Pure Consciousness).

Reimagining the Yamas and Niyamas

Rather than viewing the yamas and niyamas as rules, they can be seen as valuable signposts that indicate when we have strayed from our connection to the true Self. In other words, the surface of our lake is choppy. When we don’t feel aligned with the yamas/niyamas, it’s usually because we are not seated in our Presence, but have gotten caught in our minds again.

I recently had an experience where I felt very misunderstood. I felt accused unfairly, yet I had no recourse to share my point of view or defend myself. My reaction? I was incredibly pissed off.

When I recognized my response, I realized that I was of out alignment with the first yama of non-violence. Rather than berate myself for my feelings, I got curious about what was hanging me up. I started to see that I was very attached to my reputation (how others perceived me). My reliance on something outside of myself to feel okay was exposed. The experience was a reminder to practice (practice, practice!) trusting my own worthiness.

Spiritual growth isn’t about turning the other cheek or suppressing our feelings. Instead, we can use our reactions as vital clues into our unresolved attachments and conditioning. Here are some ways that it works for me:

  • Ahimsa: When I want to lash out, I am usually invested in protecting my ego from insult or harm.
  • Satya: When I want to lie, I am often protecting my conditioned personality from dislike, disappointment, or conflict.
  • Sauca: When I want to be “unclean” and eat a lot of sugar or drink a lot of wine, I’m often avoiding uncomfortable feelings.
  • Aparigraha: When I am grasping onto something (a person, material stuff, ideas), I’m usually connecting to a feeling that I’m not enough.

Seeing the yamas and niyamas as useful signposts – rather than rules – gives us accountability for our own spiritual growth. Rather than dutifully following a behavioural prescription, we are instead invited to watch our natural reactions with curiosity. Rather than feel shame or judgement about “non-yogic reactions,” we can instead greet each reaction with fresh curiosity. In this way, our relationship with our emotions and reactions can become a vital, organic opportunity for self-acceptance, accountability, and growth.

Welcoming Uncertainty: A Spiritual Path For Challenging Times

Hands holding flower

When the floor falls out from under me, I tend to lose my poise: I become anxious, contracted, and my mind starts to “hamster wheel” about worst case scenarios. I experienced this when my marriage disintegrated from alcoholism, when I agonized over trying to get pregnant (on my ow at 42), and again with the rolling escalation of the Covid-19 crisis.

Even without a global pandemic, we experience these moments of panic and uncertainty in our lives: we feel it when we fall in love, have our hearts broken, fail exams, have a sick pet, move change jobs, lose a loved one, have a baby, get divorced (to name a few). It’s no wonder that these strange times have led us into a tailspin – especially when so many of us are contract workers wondering how we will make ends meet.

Friend, in times like these, I take courage (heart) from my favorite author, Pema Chodron, who counsels, “Chaos should be regarded as very good news.” When everything falls apart, Pema nods with encouragement and tells us to lean in: “Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation, can that which is indestructible in us be found.”

We don’t like to be uncomfortable. We resist uncertainty. And when the world shifts, our attachment to stability and consistency is exposed.

This is the perfect time to cultivate our inner resilience. To recognize the wholeness of the space within us.

Without ignoring practicalities, we can ask ourselves,

  • “Is my mind making this worse?”
  • “What is real, in this moment?”
  • “How can I be of service?”

In these times – when we can so clearly see our mind’s ability to spin out and create stories – we have the perfect opportunity to recognize our inner resources. One breath at a time, we can lean into this moment – where we feel so incredibly vulnerable – and breathe rather than react. Give, rather than hoard. Soften, rather than harden. Connect, rather than collapse.

And while we can’t control the world, we can control how we watch and believe our minds. This is our living yoga practice: staying present so that we can open our hearts to be loving, aware, and available to this very moment. And to each other.

This is the path of a spiritual warrior.

And I’m honored to meet you here.

Live Your Yoga: Making A Decision, Part 3

This is the last part of a three part blog, Live Your Yoga: Making A Decision. Check out Part 1 and Part 2 here.

Making decisions – especially big life decisions – can be very challenging. We can feel pulled in every direction. Which choice is “right?”

The Bhagavad Gita offers us insight into how we can live our yoga in the midst of our daily life struggles and choices. In this epic story, our hero (Arjuna) is counselled by Krishna (his charioteer and the voice of Arjuna’s “higher power”) on how he can live yoga and still take action as a warrior. Yoga isn’t only for peaceful times; it’s for every moment of our lives. Especially those times that seem full of conflict.

The third yogic path that Krishna offers to Arjuna is LOVE.

Now, this is a radical departure from the “meditate/know thyself/think your way into enlightenment” kind of practice everyone had been doing up until this point. Love does not require intellect, action or fancy yoga clothes. There is not barrier to practice, Krishna says, devotion can be expressed with the gift of a leaf. Love simply requires an open heart.

Try this (really, try it, it will only take about 30 seconds):

  • Sit quietly.
  • Bring to mind the face of someone (or something, like a beloved pet) that you love very much.
  • Take ten deep breaths, focusing on what you love about this creature.
  • Breathe, and bring to mind all the little details.

How do you feel?

“We are hardwired to connect with others, it’s what gives purpose and meaning to our lives, and without it there is suffering.” – Brene Brown

Isn’t life better when we are just a little bit in love?

The human heart has incredible capacity for love and devotion; when we allow this feeling to permeate our being and infuse our daily actions and relationships, we are able to effortlessly embody qualities such as kindness, forgiveness, generosity, and compassion. When we open our hearts, we can begin to feel the interconnectedness of all beings.

Krishna shares with Arjuna that “everything is Krishna.” Seen from the highest perspective, everything – including us – is part of this Oneness. When we express devotion and love through our daily actions, we can also remember our divine connection to all things. When we remember that we are connected to all things, we can infuse more love into our small daily acts. Love creates more love. Every act becomes a gesture of devotion, a remembrance of our participation in the divine dance.

“All beings are words of God, His music, His art.” = Meister Eckart

Practice:

  • Sit comfortably.
  • Close your eyes.
  • Bring to mind someone or a creature that you love. Think “just like me, you want to be happy.” Repeat this for about a minute.
  • Expand your consciousness to the city around you, all of the inhabitants. Think “just like me, you want to be happy.” Repeat this for about a minute.
  • Gradually expand your consciousness beyond your city to the country, the continent, the world. Think “just like me, you want to be happy.”
  • Feel your love state.
  • Take a few deep breaths and open your eyes.

From this perspective, what is the best choice?

From this perspective, what is right action?

Are you teaching the Bhagavad Gita? Check out my study guide for teachers and students.

Live Your Yoga: Making A Decision, Part 1

I have struggled with decisions. Especially the big ones.

Questions such as:

  • should I be a single mom
  • should I stay in this relationship
  • should I leave my job
  • should I end this friendship

Even if we’re not up against a “major” life decision, we face a myriad of choices every day. We all want to make “good” choices. But what does that mean? And how can our yoga practice help?

In this three part blog, we’ll look at the three tools that are unveiled in the The Bhagavad Gita, one of the yoga tradition’s most beloved texts. The Gita is a smaller part of a huge epic called The Mahabharata. 

To set the stage, in the Gita, our hero, Arjuna, is a warrior who is faced with a terrible decision: should he take up arms and fight a battle against his own family? Although his cause is just, the destruction will be great.

Arjuna is our everyman. Just as him, we too are embroiled in our own daily battles. Right now, think of a battle/choice that is currently in your “field.” Pause for a moment to consider your quandary. In our conflicts, the “right” choice is often obscured in ambiguity. All options seem terrible. The outcome is uncertain. How do we choose? And how can we be yogis when our actions may create pain?

Arjuna’s first instinct is to simply not act. He throws down his weapons. (Can you relate to this desire?) Arjuna turns to his friend, Krishna (a god), who is his charioteer to beg for guidance. Once Arjuna has opened himself to instruction, Krishna lays down some wisdom to help guide Arjuna to his best path. Through the Gita, Krishna lays out three paths for being a practicing yogi in the world.

Krishna represents our higher power, our inner voice of wisdom, our inner sage. Even in the midst of battle – perhaps most keenly in the midst of battle – we can uncover our highest self.

Path 1: Jnana Yoga

Simply stated, know your true self.

You are not your thoughts, your feelings, your body, or your ego. You are not the habitual thought/feeling patterns that make up your personality. Rather, the True Self is the power of Consciousness that lies behind all of these mini-dramas and fluctuations. Imagine that you have gone to a movie: as a spectator, you are caught up in the the drama of the story. But that personality on the screen is not you. While that little character is having its dramatic escapades, you are safe in you chair, watching. Your true self is the Witness, the Seer, the Observer.

Try it. You may set a 5-minute timer.

  • Come into a meditation seat and close your eyes.
  • Start to watch your thoughts and feelings arise and go.
  • Can you create space to watch them arise, without getting caught up in them?
  • Who is the Watcher?

When you can begin to watch your thoughts, you will begin to realize just how compulsive your mind actually is! It chases its own tail: reliving victories and defeats, anxiously scrabbling for control, and “hamster-wheeling” through thought cycles. The mind constantly compares. It creates names, labels, judgments and patterns. However, as soon as our minds begin to dissect reality, we lose our ability to experience the totality of what actually IS. Our minds are too busy comparing what we’re experiencing to everything that we have already experienced to take in the present moment unvarnished.

Try this: open experiencing.

  • Take yourself on a walk, preferably outside.
  • Breathe. Take in the world through your senses as it is. You will need to slow down.
  • Experience the world freshly, avoid stories and labels.
  • Stay in the space of open experiencing, without expectation or interpretation.

Once you have settled into the space of the Experiencer (rather than the experience), consider: how does your battle feel now? From your higher perspective, what choice is the most elevated?

Stay tuned for Part 2.

Yoga and Ayurveda: Synergy for Harmony

Yoga was introduced to the West in late 19th century and has been since eagerly adopted by a very receptive audience. Despite the huge popularity of yoga, its medicinal counterpart Ayurveda, was left behind. Yoga and Ayurveda are complementary practices that share a close relationship, so much that they are often described as two sides of the same coin.

Both these sciences with their origin in the ancient Vedic texts address the human body. If Yoga deals with the holistic wellness aspect of the Vedic teachings, Ayurveda is the healing aspect. Combined, they emphasize a comprehensive approach to the overall well being of the body, mind and spirit.

Common Ground

Both Yoga and Ayurveda share the common basic principles: the focus on the well being of an individual in both body and mind with the aim of helping one reconnect with their true self. While yoga trains the body and mind for the supreme enlightenment and liberation, Ayurveda deals with the various aspects that a body can be internally revitalized. Both these disciplines emphasize the close relationship and modify the interactions that humans have with their environment, in order to achieve harmony in the truest sense.

Benefits of Ayurveda

In the modern age, yoga is perceived as consisting of asanas (postures) and dhyana (meditation) – a mere exercise regimen to keep the body fit and nimble. People get drawn to yoga as a way to improve fitness even though the essence of yoga is to clear and settle the mind in order to develop a deeper mind-body connection and heighten awareness. A calm mind not affected by stress, results in a healthy body and a greater bond with one’s pure inner self.

In a similar manner, Ayurveda brings with it the knowledge of keeping the physical body healthy through external nourishment and augmentation.

A Customized Approach

Ayurveda sees each individual as unique and one’s journey toward perfect well being as a unique path. Hence, there is no common approach and that which is appropriate for an individual is unique to that person alone. This concept is remarkable in that Ayurveda prescribes unique, tailored programs for each individual based upon his/her constitution, physical condition and the nature of any instability, avoiding the “one size-fits all” concept that is common in other systems of healing.

Ayurveda is based on analysis and diagnosis of the needs and appropriate requirements of the individual – that may not be for others – in fulfilling the needs to develop complete harmony. This could be based on a person’s unique genetic heritage or constitution. An individual’s constitution defines a person at the most fundamental level. Ayurveda does not comply with the one common treatment for all concept, but subscribes to the philosophy that “everything is right for someone, while nothing is right for everyone.”

Along with the diet, medication, supplements, aromas, etc, Ayurveda also sheds light on the specific yoga asanas that are best suited for an individual based on his/her constitution. With an in-depth knowledge of Ayurveda, a yoga practitioner can fine-tune his/her practice to maintain their internal balance of energy.

With the awareness of one’s constitutional balance, an individual can practice suitable asanas to correct their imbalances and improve their overall health and well-being.

Advanced Benefits of Ayurveda

Ayurveda has been proved an effective treatment for multiple health conditions such as respiratory problems, rheumatism, blood pressure, diabetics, paralysis etc. This science of healing makes use of natural ingredients and non invasive therapy thus being highly curative and totally harmless at the same time.

One of the most effective procedures in Ayurveda that can be undertaken by everyone is the “Panchakarma” – the five step therapy. It is a management protocol for different diseases and health conditions that detoxifies the body, strengthens the immune system and restores the internal balance and well-being of the body.

The Panch Karma is considered to be the most radical and effective way to cleanse the body and eliminate disease. It removes the unhealthy elements from the body’s gross channels (GIT, respiratory tract) as well as at the most intricate levels (tissues, cell membranes etc.) It flushes the accumulated toxins, from the body through the conventional modes of elimination- via the sweat glands, intestines and urinary tract.

Practicing Ayurveda – the simple and modern way

  • Ayurveda emphasizes the value of sound sleep, as rest and recuperation is the foundation for dynamic activity. So go to sleep early, and avoid any distractions that might interrupt your blissful sleep. An average sleep of around 8 hours is necessary for a quality and deep rest.
  • Rising with the sun will give you ample time to devote to your morning ablutions, prepare a good, nourishing breakfast and plan the rest of the day. Most of all, it lets you time to enjoy the early morning calm.
  • Being with people whose company makes us feel happy and loved is akin to medicine: they help heal and restore. The simplest exercise that you can adopt is a walk outdoors with your partner, a friend or coworker – what Ayurveda considers a tridoshic (triple benefits) exercise: it combines light physical activity, personal interaction and an experience of the outdoors, thus calming the mind and nourishing the senses.
  • Drink lots of water. Water flushes out the accumulated toxins, while aiding the process of digestion. Water is an excellent healer and should be sipped throughout the day. Other recommended brews are warm milk and herbal tea.
  • Opt for fresh foods. Processed, frozen or packaged foods are hard to digest, are aged, denatured by processing, and can include harmful chemical preservatives as ingredients. They retain less of their natural nutrition, resulting in the creation of ama, or toxins that hinders our thought process and actions. Make an effort to have a fresh and warm lunch in a quiet atmosphere and focus on your food when you eat.
  • Take an occasional break wherever you are – Sit down and close your eyes and breathe deep. Disconnect from the external world and tune in to your own self. Rhythmic breathing increases the flow of oxygen and other vital nutrients to all organs. Even when done for a minute, you will feel rejuvenated with an instant sense of well-being.

Final Words

Ayurveda as a science and practice can bring benefits to all of us. Whether adopting the simple practices or going in for a full fledged therapy program, we get to purify our bodies and restore our inner balance. Combined with a regular regimen of yoga practice, we can achieve the ultimate harmony of body and nature.

Bittersweet human. The beauty of our no-win situation.

Two armies are poised for battle. Our hero falls to his knees at the impossibility of the choice: should he uphold his righteous claim to the throne and slay his enemy – who also happen to be his kin? Or shall he be killed and forsake his duty? Frozen by terrible consequences on all sides, he collapses and begs for guidance.

Arjuna’s battle in the Bhagavad Gita is a metaphor for the choices we face everyday. If we choose one path, we lose something. If we choose the other path, we also lose. There is no way to win.

As we get older, the simplicity of our childhood choices falters as we start to realize the world’s true complexity. There is no right way. There is no answer. Whichever way we choose, something gets taken away. Good mother, good career? Adventure, or stability? In each moment, we necessarily must cut ourselves off from a thousand other possibilities. Small choices in the past nudged us in one direction, and ten years later we find that small choice has thrown us onto another continent, another world, another life.

What if I’d bought that apartment? Stayed with that guy? Left that guy? Said fuck it that one time? What if I’d been more responsible and played it safer? What if?

Every path is bittersweet. I feel this truth so strongly right now because my fertile years will soon be exiting stage left. For the first time, time is imposing the brakes of real life consequences. The cumulation of choice is inescapable.

But here’s the thing.

This isn’t a problem.

No, my friends. As much as I may want to rail against and mourn the many paths I have not travelled, this bittersweet ache I feel is part of the tender beauty of being human. In each moment, we stand in the middle of our own compass, choosing our direction. And we do it again in the next moment, and the next. We have no right choice, we only have the artistry of this choice. And the next. A kaleidoscope of decisions that creates the tapestry of our lives. Fucked up, colourful, confused, full of inconsistency.

Making great art is rarely tidy or clean.

Our practice: Love this choice. Love this tapestry. With all your heart. With abandon and courage. Love your one, precious, and most remarkable life.

“I’ll never know, and neither will you, of the life you don’t choose. We’ll only know that whatever that sister life was, it was important and beautiful and not ours. It was the ghost ship that didn’t carry us. There’s nothing to do but salute it from the shore.”

― Cheryl Strayed, Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar

 

Ah, thank you Nico Luce, for reminding me today of the story of the Bhagavad Gita. 

 

Growing up is a world of gray

What coffee has to do with constructivism

“Why don’t you make it the way I do?” he asks, as I pour the coffee grounds into the Bialetti coffee maker. I look at the coffee maker in consternation. I pour the grounds directly into the filter in the machine. He does it separately and then puts everything together.

“Because this is the way I do it,” I say.

“But then the grounds get all over the counter, and…” he stops himself.

“…Do you want to make the coffee?” I prompt.

He shakes his head and backs off, “Um, no. No, definitely not. Do it your way. We’ll just…clean the counter after.”

I throw a handy tee-towel at him.

Oh, how we want to believe the world is Newtonian! Push it and it moves, pull it and it comes. Gravity is fixed, mass is fixed. An object put into motion stays in motion. Reality is Absolute. Truth exists.

This comforting set of assumptions makes it easy for our anxious little mind to find solid ground. If I know what’s “right,” then I can play by the rules. If there is an absolute Truth, then I can be right and you can be wrong. Blame can be assigned. We rest easy in the rigid arms of justice.

Yet as humanity probes with relentless curiosity into the mysteries of the world, our desire to fix the world into yes/no is thwarted by the mysterious complexity and subjectivity of the Universe. Our poor little brains are on fire with the revelation that time, space, and mass aren’t fixed. Truth depends on perspective. There is no absolute Reality. Rather, Reality is a compendium of the stupendous array of subjective experiences that exist relative to any one point of space/time.

In other words, friends, sh*t gets complicated.

Not only do we see this evolution of thought playing out in physics, naturally the reverberations have cropped up in education and psychology.  For example, in my field of study, no longer are teachers fixated on a “one size fits all” version of teaching (this is the right way to learn them!), but there is an increasing passion for constructivism as a learning psychology, where learning is “constructed” individually by the learner. In other words, each learner is different and assimilates information based on their unique history, interest, and emotions.

Consider this riddle.

What is a hat?

There is no one absolute hat. We have a general idea of hat, with different qualities that we may identify based on our experience (it’s on my head, primarily). The hat that popped into my head is different than the hat the just popped into your head, determined by each of our experiences of “hat-ness” in the world. Think of this: tophat, tukes, riding hat, bowler, Stetson, cap, turban, Ascot, beret, pillbox. Each one of these “hat styles” is also a generalized idea. You could have a million kinds of tukes. Yet our mind puts together all these hat-like qualities and defines and labels the world according to the pattern. When is a hat not a hat? When it’s a balaclava? When it’s a headband? What about a really big headband? Labels are convenient, but they are relative, malleable, and subjective.

And if we have this much trouble with hats, just consider this one: what is love?

Our perception of the world is constructed based on all of our previous experiences, leaving each one of us with a remarkable and unique view of the world and its objects. Like a snowflake, no point of subjectivity is the same.

Growing up  – for humanity as well as for us as individuals – is accepting that the rules, protocols, and labels we so desperately wish to impose upon the world are limited in scope. They may be very useful, but we mustn’t mistake them for the Real Deal.

We are on the edge of revelation. We have been living in a world of right/wrong, yes/no, “hat/ not a hat” since the dawn of consciousness.  In our individual lives, it’s where we spend our toddlerhood, adolescence, and young adulthood. But growing up means expanding our view and recognizing the multiplicity of experience.

To move the collective experience of humanity forward, we must each do our intrinsic part to don our big girl and boy pants, take a breath, and embrace a wider version of Truth.

We begin with small, daily recognitions. Like coffee. So when I am in the kitchen making the morning coffee, and my beloved looks at me in confusion and says, “But why don’t you do it the way I do it?” we can pause. Reflect. And – without blame, defence, or righteousness – simply appreciate the difference. His way of making coffee is the perfect way for him. And my way is the perfect way for me. How lovely, how subjective, how revelatory!

And in fact, there are an infinite number of ways to brew that one extraordinary cup.

 

 

What bunny ears have to do with compassion

A Rabbit Noticed My Condition

“I was sad one day and went for a walk; 

I sad in a field.

A rabbit noticed my condition and 

came near.

It often does not take more than that to help at times – 

to just be close to creatures who

are so full of knowing,

so full of love

that they don’t

-chat.

they just gaze with

their 

marvelous understanding.”

-Meister Eckhart

I don’t like to cry in front of people.

My habitual strategy for managing strong feelings verges on Vulcan; you can tell when I feel sad, or angry, or vulnerable because I’ll cock my head to one side and look baffled.

It’s not that I don’t have feelings. In fact, my moods were legendary in our household: “Rachel’s in one of her states again,” my family would say, rolling their eyes and giving me a wide berth. My well-meaning parents taught me to be “nice,” “polite,” and “in a good mood.” Sadness was considered self-pity; anger was disrespectful. I managed my emotional peaks and valleys by trying to hold my feelings in. Sadness became stoicism. Anger was directed inwards: cutting, self-denial, silence.

Re-membering

Part of my journey in yoga has been to “re-member myself:” to seek out my abandoned orphan parts and usher them back home.

When I start to experience my darker feelings – whether it’s anxiety, sadness, vulnerability, fear – I often have a knee jerk impulse to “fix” myself.  I try to lock the feeling away in order to seem okay.  However, “fixing” implies locking something down, freezing it into stasis by gluing it into place. Ironically, by “fixing” ourselves, we make monuments of our hurts and give them a permanence that they don’t necessarily have.

The nature of our emotions is watery; when we “fix” them, we plasticize that which should freely move, and turn our wild and magnificent emotional ocean into a stagnant and settling swamp.  When instead we can pause, feel, and resist fixing (or hiding, or shoving, or icing over), then our feelings are able to re-claim their watery nature.  And in their ebb and flow, they clear away and heal any ragged markings in the sands.

The practice

When feelings surface, can we resist fixation and instead create the space to simply be and feel?  Like the rabbit, can we be so full of love and knowing that we hold ourselves with marvelous understanding rather than “chat?”  Creating space for our own experience without judgment – or even labels – allows us feel the depth and breadth of our humanity without needing to make it right, wrong, or different.  When we are able to be with how we feel – without compulsively justifying or blaming – then we can truly “re-member” ourselves and embrace the fullness of who we are.

Yoga practice:

  • “You are not a problem to be solved.”
  • Embrace feeling, not fixation
  • Allow the practice to be a tool for self-reclamation, rather than a measuring stick.

Life practice:

  • Practice listening to your friends and loved ones without comment or judgment.
  • Be the space, not the solution.
  • When you want to comment, pause, and see if there more power and grace in simply listening.
  • Listen to yourself – your body, feelings, and mind – as you would listen to a dear friend.
  • Sit with your favorite creatures – cat, dogs, rabbits – and just be.

Stage fright and Patanjali. Oh, and hamsters.

I was a theatre actor for many years, and I had terrible stage fright. About a week before the show, the little hamster voices inside my head started to whisper:

“You’re going to trip.”

“You’re going to mess this dance step up.  It’s so hard.  You messed it up in rehearsal.”

“You’re going to go up on your lines.”

Rather than tell these insidious little voices to fuck off, I would gasp and run to my script, and study my lines over and over until I was certain that I would be wordperfect.  Unfortunately, I was really practicing being terrified and in my head.  During performance itself, I would have an out of body experience where I spoke and moved on cue while my hamster brain was frozen in the headlights of the audience.  Being a proficient actor, sure, I looked fine from the outside; but my worry had killed my artistic joy and abandon.

This year – as a present to myself – I decided to confront my hamsters and perform again.  I would sing for my office.  Karaoke backtracks, done in the lobby: nothing fancy, but meaningful to me. About a week before showtime, the hamsters started sniffing around, their pert little noses twitching.  “Just run through the words in your head,” they cajoled, “make sure you know them backwards and forwards.”  The rubbed their little paws together, “You don’t want to mess it up…in front of all those people…”

This time, when the hamster voices arose, I stepped in and firmly grabbed their furry little tails. “Look, hamsters,” I said, “Fuck off.  It’s going to be great.  It’s going to be tons of fun.”  And I put them firmly back into their cages.

Don’t believe everything you think.

We all have these little voices, our little hamsters of worry and anxiety and what it.  “He’s going to leave me,”  “I’m going to blow the interview,”  “I can’t run the extra mile,”  “Dolphin plank sucks,” “I can never balance in Ardha Chandrasana” or, “I’ll forget all my lines.”   Patanjali (ancient yogi guy) says when we have negative thoughts, we need to step in and cultivate the opposite.  He calls this pratipaksha bhavanam.  A more recent sage, Wayne Dyer, says, “change your thoughts, change your life.”  The Dalai Lama adds that if we can’t find something positive in a challenging situation, we should simply put it out of our heads entirely.  Worry is a waste of time.  Worry is hoping for something bad to happen.

We can change this. By noticing when the hamsters start, we can step in and redirect our thoughts towards something positive. We train our minds to practice good stuff rather than bad.  Sure we’ll have some hamster thoughts, but that doesn’t mean we have to run around in their fetid little cages with them for hours. Whether the hamsters fret about singing, the relationship, running a mile, or dolphin plank, let’s take the proactive moment to question the mind chatter.  Create the space to respond from our highest vision for ourselves rather than react from our hamster brains.  If we’re going to create a vision, let’s aim high.  Let’s aim for joy.

So put the damn hamster down.  And start singing.

Feeling the whole elephant

Once upon a time, there lived six blind men in a village. One day the villagers told them, “Hey, there is an elephant in the village today.”

They had no idea what an elephant is. They decided, “Even though we would not be able to see it, let us go and feel it anyway.” All of them went where the elephant was. Everyone of them touched the elephant.
“Hey, the elephant is a pillar,” said the first man who touched his leg.
“Oh, no! it is like a rope,” said the second man who touched the tail.
“Oh, no! it is like a thick branch of a tree,” said the third man who touched the trunk of the elephant.
“It is like a big hand fan” said the fourth man who touched the ear of the elephant.
“It is like a huge wall,” said the fifth man who touched the belly of the elephant.
“It is like a solid pipe,” Said the sixth man who touched the tusk of the elephant.
They began to argue about the elephant and everyone of them insisted that he was right. It looked like they were getting agitated. A wise man was passing by and he saw this. He stopped and asked them, “What is the matter?” They said, “We cannot agree to what the elephant is like.” Each one of them told what he thought the elephant was like. The wise man calmly explained to them, “All of you are right. The reason every one of you is telling it differently because each one of you touched the different part of the elephant. So, actually the elephant has all those features what you all said.”
“Oh!” everyone said. There was no more fight. They felt happy that they were all right.

Courtesy of Jain World.

I’m a thinker. Almost everything I experience gets processed through a Spock like filter, “And captain, I understand that the alien woman is throwing herself at you, but I fail to understand the cause.” Our history, genetics, and upbringing all serve to shape the manner in which we see the world. Interestingly, we then start to see the world through this veil of expectations, our experience then in turn lets in the information that reinforces what we already believe. Which shapes our perception of the world. Which reinforces this perception. And on it goes.

These filters are essential to our sanity. Our most basic filter is the capacity of our senses themselves: the perceive only the bandwidth of light, sound, smell, taste, and pressure to which they are sensitive. And thank goodness! How distracting would it be to see radiowaves in our daily lives?

We also filter based on our personal experience. If we have a wonderful experience, we will associate that event with pleasure, and seek it out more frequently. But have one bad brussel sprout as a kid, and that veggie is off the table.

As a kid, I was praised for my ability to think my way rationally through a conflict. With such nice reinforcement, I continued to use my logical brain as a mediator for my experiences. The only problem here is that my logic bias began to dull out some of the other information that was coming my way. Just like someone that dislikes brussel sprouts as a kid may never think to try that veggie again. Like that old story about the elephant, we continue to experience only the part of the elephant that is immediately in front of us, and don’t know that we’ve only got the tail.

One of the goals of our yoga practice is to begin to clear away the veil of expectations, so that have the opportunity to experience the world more freshly and in its wholeness. By quieting our mind’s perpetual quest to associate and evaluate, we can move into a space of more possibility. (Maybe I will sample that green thing on the table and experience how it tastes!)

For me, one of the gifts of yoga is its capacity to invite us to arrive fully and unedited into our experience. In our culture, because we are often praised for thinking and analyzing, we frequently leave our emotional and physical bodies behind. In essence, we are the elephant, and we only get to experience our trunk! Our practice gives us a safe and open space to reclaim any neglected missing pieces. We shed the restrictive layers, and take the time to feel how we feel. By giving ourselves the gift of our practice, we expand our capacity to feel the wholeness of our human experience.

In practice:

  • Take time to settle into your skin before you practice. As you let go of the tension, breathe and create room for your emotional experience. What bubbles up? Give yourself permission to feel whatever you feel, trusting that these feelings will move through you, shift, evolve.
  • As you move into your physical practice, let go of alignment and form as “rule” or “obligation.” Instead, use alignment cues as a way to feel deeper into your body and as an invitation to experience your physical body in a different way.

Breathe. Move. Feel. Better.

The Bodhisattva’s Smile

When I first starting practicing yoga, I knew that it would change my life.

After my first sweet Savasana, I suddenly realized that if I practiced diligently and consistently, I would become calm, kind to stranger, sweet to horrible children, magnanimous with ex-boyfriends and generous with catty women.  As I looked upon the serene and clear faces of sculptured bodhisattvas, I knew that I, too, would undoubtedly become serene, placid, and imperturbable.

Um.  Well.

That didn’t happen.

The more that I practice yoga, the more I feel.  Ugly, gorgeous, complicated, fleeting, terrifying feelings.  Rather than being sweetly equanimous, I have been riding up and down on a rollercoaster of sadness and joy.  Instead of becoming increasingly serene, my palette of experience is widening rather alarmingly.  Rather than muting to a pale and pleasing lavender, the spectrum of my emotions is becoming garish, rainbow, neon.

As kids, we learn to protect ourselves against the heartache of the world by armoring up.  Feel less, guard more.  We are taught to armour up in order to navigate our world with any dexterity; after all, our culture frowns upon open displays of raw emotion.  However, with each application of protective coating, our originally radiant emotional spectrum becomes grimy, dimmed, contained.

In the yoga practice, we are invited into a safe space in which to participate fully with our own experience.  If we allow it, we can peel back the armour that we have diligently applied like so much nail lacquer.  Through our body, we explore a wide array of sensations (some pleasant, some unpleasant) and are asked to breathe, feel, and discover the underlying grace in our the experience.

In our practice, we can choose how we react to discomfort: do we harden and armour up? Or can we soften and sense?  Can we move past an instinctive recoil against uncertainty and instead explore with tenderness the multitude of sensations and feelings that lies beneath our skin?

Practicing courageous and compassionate feeling in our yoga increases the spectrum of emotion that is available to us in our daily lives.  Father than hardening, we learn to soften and sense the wildish emotions off our lives with groundedness and softness.  As we feel into our bodies more with kindness, we begin to increase our graceful fortitude, that is, our ability to ride the waves of feeling and yet stay non-reactive and connected.

I was mistaken about the bodhisattvas: they do not smile so serenely because they only feel peaceful.  No, their emotional cup is not so shallow.

They smile because they feel everything, and hold the ocean of their deep feelings in the open hands of their grace.

Sauca: transcending body image

A little context

About two thousand years ago, a guy named Patanjali compiled a series of pithy aphorisms called the yoga sutras.  These cryptic sayings contain clues on how to escape suffering and ultimately reach samadhi (meditation/ bliss).  In his compilation, he describes a series of steps called ashtanga yoga, where he offers some helpful practices to practitioners to help them on their path in meditation.

One of these aphorisms asks practitioners to practice something called “sauca” – or “cleanliness.”

Sauca

Most translations of sauca are a bit daunting, and hint that through the practice of “purity,” practitioners will ultimately find that there arises a natural disgust and disregard for their own bodies or the bodies of others.  Disgust? Disregard?  These words are off-putting to the modern reader.   At the very least, they reflect a time where our bodies, emotions, and thoughts were seen as impediments to the realization of our True Self.  Taken at its most extreme, the sutra implies that the wise will eventually feel a natural repulsion towards their physical form.

Recently in teacher training, the students offered a remarkable view on this sutra:

“We’re obsessed with our bodies, with our physical presentations.  Like Facebook, it’s all about our image.  This sutra reminds us that we’re more than our bodies, our clothes.”

“Especially for women,” another added.  “Women have been struggling with body image for a long time.”

I paused to consider their points: every woman I know is challenged by body image.  Every.  Last.  One.

Over the course of our lives, we’ve been taught that the way we look is not enough.  While we can never be too thin or too fit, we’re also not allowed to be caught dieting (ummm, but somehow “cleansing” and “fasting” are okay?).  Effortless beauty.  And god forbid you get old.

One of the most healing offerings of yoga is its capacity to offer a non-judgmental space for self-connection.  According to Yoga Journal’s 2012 survey, 82.2% of practitioners are women.  With so many women on the mat, the yoga space has the potential to be become a supportive forum for radical self-acceptance; a place where we value ourselves for how we feel on the inside rather than how we appear on the outside.

However, as marketing catches up with yoga, we are being encouraged away from the “cleanliness” of a healthy disregard for image and instead being encouraged to look like the cover of yoga Journal or purchase the right yoga outfit.  Lululemon markets its Groove pants for their ability to “create a snug gluteal enclosure of almost perfect globularity, like a drop of water” (“The Science of Yoga,” Broad, p.4).  In other words,  our yoga clothes are designed and sold to us on the premise that they should make our ass look good.  Now, I love my ass to look good on a Saturday night, but do I really want to be worried about this in yoga class?

Brought into a modern context, “sauca” could be a way of cleansing ourselves of our projections and expectations about our physical form.  Consider the following:

  • Are you self-conscious in yoga class about the way you look?
  • Do you dress to impress when you go to practice?
  • Do you worry what other people think of you in class?
  • Is there any space in which you feel comfortable to look exactly as you do?
  • How does this relate to your use of:
    • Food
    • Alcohol
    • Clothes (Lulu Groove pants included)
    • Makeup

We deserve to have a space for practice that is safe from body image judgment.  Where we can feel, and breathe, and move without worrying about who is looking.  Yoginis, we are the voice of North American yoga.  And ladies, it’s high time to reclaim the yoga studio as a safe haven for the expression of our bodies, our voices, and our spirits.

 

 

Kaivalya – what dating has to do with aloneness

Okay, okay, so I’m sure that Patanjali was not actually referring to dating angst when he orated about kaivalya – the ultimate state of aloneness, or detachment, from worldly sensory objects.  However, embracing aloneness isn’t just for yogis meditating in caves.  It’s also essential for our adventures in relationship.

The Insane Mind

The merits of kaivalya became clear to me awhile back when I was trying to meditate.  (Let me stress – “trying.”)  As I sat, I watched in growing horror and bemusement as my mind trampolined incessantly about a guy that I’d recently met.  Despite every intention to focus on my breath, my mind kept returning to its increasingly paranoid chatter.  What was he thinking?  Was he going to call me?  Did I want him to?  Had I made a mistake.  Aaaarrgh!

Eventually, I gave up trying to control the gong show and just watched it all unfold.  I seriously needed a path out of the insanity.

Aloneness as a path out of crazy

When the crazy voices start, it’s time to take a breather and reflect on the merits of really being alone – and take a hard look at the fears that are keeping us tied to our distractions.

Rather than pitch our identity into the maelstrom of someone else’s (usually a stranger’s – for the love of god!) good opinion, we can step back and see the mind’s churning for what it is: an attempt to regulate our ego’s safety in an uncertain situation.

Watching the rolling of the mind in any situation (job crisis, personal change, yoga class, or yes – dating) is a profound opportunity to question what is real: are the thoughts real, or can we anchor ourselves to something deeper and more steady?

To summarize the first few yoga sutras (a 2000-year old yoga text): “Yoga is the restraint of the fluctuation of the mind.  Then you rest in your true nature.  Otherwise you think you’re all the crap that you’re thinking.”  When we can observe our thoughts rather than getting caught up in our drama, we are able to identify with the unchanging Purusha (Consciousness) rather than with our mind’s tempestuous swings.

The compiler of the sutras, Patanjali, says that the ultimate state of liberation is kaivalya, which is usually translated as “aloneness.”  While this concept initially seems sort of, well…lonely…there is a difference between being “alone” and being “lonely.”  Resting in our aloneness, we no longer need someone else to fill the gaps in our self-perception.  Connecting to a deeper sense of ourselves allows us to be fully present in our uncertainty, fear, and excitement so that we can observe these sensations come and go without attaching our identity to them.

Aloneness as a path to freedom…and intimacy

Being comfortable in aloneness not only helps us negotiate the dating jungle, it is also essential for maintaining a healthy relationship.  When we are okay being alone,  we can be fully present with our partner without needing them to play a role in our own drama.  Without our ego clamoring for self-affirmation, we can drop our agendas and be in relationship more compassionately, honestly, and bravely.  In short, since we have the power to leave, we can make a free and clear choice to stay.  We can communicate without fear of being abandoned, because we are already intrinsically whole.   Instead of serving our need for psychological safety, our relationships become the field for mutual growth.

Practicing Aloneness

Whether you are single or in a relationship, embracing aloneness will nourish your self-love and support your intimacy.  Here are some ways to practice:

  1. Meditate for 5 minutes.  Become an observer in order to distance yourself from the stories of your mind.
  2. Take yourself on a date – by yourself.  Set aside two hours a week that are just for you.  Follow your own fascinations.
  3. Go for a long walk by yourself.
  4. Have an electronics-fast:  No cellphones.  No ipads.  No computer.  No tv’s.  No facebook.  Rest in the quiet of being totally unplugged and unreachable.

Ultimately, practicing mindful aloneness is the antidote to “lonely,” as we cultivate our capacity to act from a place of intrinsic wholeness.

“You are the sky.  Everything else – it’s just the weather.”  – Pema Chodron

 

 

Spanda: what relationships have to do with music festivals

Oh, Anticipation…

Bass Coast was my first music festival and the possibilities were exhilarating.  The venue was spectacular (imagine: campsites nestled in the Squamish mountains at the foot of a sweeping, glacier-fed river), the stages were stunning, lineups were killer, and the festival folk were both open-heartedly friendly and wildly costumed.

We danced, we frolicked, and we stayed up much too late under a banquet of stars.  It was glorious.

Reality…

But the bubble of possibility cannot expand infinitely.  As the vendors packed up and the stages were dismantled, everyone slowly realized that their three-day adventure was over.  Reluctantly and painfully, the starry-eyed (now bleary-eyed) hippie ravers began to pack up their camps and stagger home.  In the light of the third day, everyone was haggard, dusty, and wrung out.

What ensued: exhaustion, depression, deflation.

The highs must lead to the lows.  Expansion always leads to contraction.

Spanda

Spanda is the essential and divine vibration of the Universe.  What expands, must contract.  Which then expands again.  This ongoing vibration is intrinsic to everything we experience: the turning of the globe, the seasons, the tides, your breath, your heartbeat.  Big Bang.  String Theory.

I love hanging out in expansion.  After all, expansion seems to be where the party is: it embodies possibility, limitless potential, and creative expression.  When the circle starts to collapse in, I want to avoid the discomfort and sadness of reality and resist “coming back to earth” or “getting real.”  Some part of me is afraid that if I go to that smaller place, I will be stuck there forever.  Oh no!  But it is precisely this capacity for coming back to the center that allows for a fresh rebound into possibility.

Filling our cup

Rather than run from this discomfort, can we accept that contraction – in whatever form it may take (disappointment, rebound, loss, sorrow, envy, sadness) –  is the fuel for the expansion trampoline?

While we have a natural tendency to prefer life’s sweeter pleasures, being human means having the opportunity to experience the entire spectrum of sensation, emotion, and psychology.  When we acknowledge that life’s darker tones are just as intrinsic to fully lived experience, the texture of contraction becomes as potent, rich, and satisfying as the exultation of expansion.

Relationships and Spanda

Dating (even more than music festivals) is a virtuosic yoyo of spanda experience.  Through its heady up’s and down’s, we constantly vibrate betwixt the polarities of possibility and disappointment:

  • The anticipation of the first date!  And…we’re splitting the bill?
  • His linked in profile looks awesome!  Oh my GOD, he can totally see that I just checked him out.
  • He texted!!  Wait…now he’s not texting.
  • The amazing first sleep over!  Then, not being called the next day…or the next…or the next…..

These bounces tend to be pretty frenetic in the early dating days, as our ego relentlessly tries to stay on top of the up’s and down’s of our hormonally charged emotional roller coaster.  But relationship spanda remains potent as the partnership continues:

  • A glorious three-month anniversary!  Then having the first real fight.  Seeing something ugly.
  • The intensity and comfort of earned intimacy.   Using that intimacy to push each others’ buttons.
  • Seeing the darkness in our beloved.  Cherishing them anyway.

Relationships are constantly changing.  Rather than resisting the difficult moments, accepting these challenges is an opportunity to stay present honestly and with integrity.  Like the seasons, relationships bud, blossom, wither, transform.  Accepting that death is a part of the cycle allows us to resolutely (and finally, please!) dismiss the common fantasy that relationships should be conflict-free, challenge-free, and easy and instead lets us open to the dance that unfolds when intimacy occurs.

Riding Spanda

How do we keep our cool on spanda’s trampoline?

In the space between expansion and contraction, there is a stillness.

Practice:

  • Find a comfortable seat.
  • Bring your attention to your breath.
  • Settle in the pause between the inhalation and the exhalation, and rest there briefly.
  • Do this for 5 breath cycles.

Did you experience the quiet moment of the in-between?  Did you find yourself wanting to rush into the next breath or quitting early (are you a spanda-junkie?)  When we rest in this stillness, we practice rooting ourselves down into the quieter layer of our being beneath the heady waves of spanda.  Imagine the ocean: even as the boat bobs on the surface, the hefty drag of the anchor in the deep water keeps the boat stable.

When we can tether part of our consciousness to this stillness, then we can surf the waves of expansion and contraction with more perspective and freedom.  We can relish the high of the music festival or the “honeymoon” phase of our relationship – even while knowing that they will end.  In fact, we will enjoy them more.  And we can dare to fully experience the darker shades of sorrow, disappointment, and emptiness – because we can trust that these colors will eventually shift.

Self-inquiry:

  • What change are you now resisting?
  • What are you holding now that you need to let go of?
  • What keeps you steady and “in yourself” when you’re at the edge of your experience?
  • Can you enjoy all the sensations of this moment right now?  And now?  And now?

 

On Joy and Sorrow
 Kahlil Gibran

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter’s oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

Some of you say, “Joy is greater thar sorrow,” and others say, “Nay, sorrow is the greater.”
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits, alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.

 

Alchemy! The secret roots of hatha yoga.

Did you know that alchemy is part of the roots of hatha yoga?

The desire to transmute the body into a worthy vessel was inspired in part by the alchemical explorations of turning lead into gold.  “The siddha is a spiritual alchemist who works on and transmutes impure matter, the human body-mind, into pure gold, the immortal spiritual essence.”  – Georg Feurstein, “The Yoga Tradition, Chapter 18: Yoga as Spiritual Alchemy: The Philosophy and Practice of Hatha Yoga.”

Learn more about the history of alchemy with this fun podcast from the gals of “Stuff you missed in history class.”  An interesting detour into one of the influences of our modern day yoga.

Sutra II.i chants by Rachel

This chant is inspired by my intrepid teacher trainees up here in Whistler, who asked me to figure out a chant to the first sutra of the second pada of Patanjali’s yoga sutras. (For those unfamiliar, the Yoga Sutras are a 2,000 year old text with tons of good tidbit on how to make your mind less crazy. It’s good stuff.)

This sutra has a special place in my heart. Roughly translated, it means that yoga in action has three parts: 1. willingness to endure intensity for the sake of transformation (tapas), 2. self-study (svadyaya), and 3. surrendering it all back to the big ol’ Cosmic Spirit (Isvara Pranidhanani). It reminds me of the Serenity Prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the strength to change the things I must, and the wisdom to know the difference. Sutra II-i Another a capella version: Sutra II-i a capella

Vinyasa Krama – bring the present into practice

“Vi” = in a special way

“nyasa” = to place

“krama” = step by step

Change is challenging.

When confronted with change, it’s easy to get swept up in anxiety, discomfort, depression, or panic.  We distract ourselves, or seethe as we create a million contingency plans.  We cling to our “creature comforts” – those small habits we’ve created that anchor us in an easy ride of familiarity, that soothe us when we get ragged around the edges.

So how can we cope?

While she was going through a particular challenging time, my Mum said to me, “It’s not one day at at time, honey.  It’s one hour at a time, one minute.”  We can cope with change by getting out of our head – which is wired to try to analyze and “fix” our problem – and move into the spaciousness of the present moment.  In the present moment, we are generally “okay.”  However, we are so used to living in the past and the future (in analyzing past actions, in projecting future results), that we have forgotten how to arrive in our own skin.

Our yoga practice can help.

In the “vinyasa krama” practice, which literally means “to place step-by-step in a special way,” we cultivate our capacity to return to each unfolding moment.  When we bring our attention to how we place our feet, our hands, or move in and out of our asani – we are continually brought back to each arising moment.

The first yoga sutra is “Now the exposition of yoga is being made.”  The very first word in the sutras is “atha” or NOW.  This is a clarion call to return to the Now, the only moment that truly exists, the only moment in which we can actually accommodate change.

As you practice your vinyasa krama, open to step by step progression of your asana.  Use this practice as a reminder that our deepest creature comfort is our fundamental and eternal connection to ourselves.

Pema Chodron writes, “Only to the extent that we expose ourselves again and again to annihilation, can that which is indestructible in use be found.”  As we ride the currents of change, the dauntless center within us becomes polished and revealed.

The Hard Work of Letting Go – call out to Kali!

Why is it so hard to let go?

Of habits, relationships (healthy or toxic), of expectations, of dreams? Even when we know we’re hurting ourselves by hanging on, what drives the compulsion to keep gripping?

What do we do when old behavioral patterns no longer serve our life?

First of all, don’t beat yourself up.

In the transition stage between awareness and change lies a really sucky phase of awareness without change.  It’s torturous.  “Why do I do this?”  “Why can’t I change this?”  We lament.  We tear out our hair.  And we still don’t change.  But now we’ve spiced up our situation by hating ourselves.  Stop adding fuel to the fire.  Rest assured, you created your habits for excellent reasons.  To cope, to deal with stress, to survive.  They have served you well.  But now the time has come to change.  So let go of the blaming and put that fabulous energy into changing your situation.

Cultivate tolerance for discomfort.

You can either be uncomfortable in your old habits, or uncomfortable in your new habits, so why not choose with awareness?  Once you start, it becomes easier every time. Remind yourself that following your old habits may bring short-term relief, but longer term suffering.  Find ways to take care of yourself during this time, whether it’s yoga, massage, tea, time with friends, or a trip somewhere that grounds you.  Cultivate your capacity to take pleasure in the little things, moment to moment.

Reach out to your community.

You are not alone.  You are wired like a human being, and we’re all programmed to create habits in order to become more efficient.  As your awareness increases, you may realize that some of your autopilot tendencies aren’t ideal for you.  Reach out to others who may be experiencing similar growing pains.  There is comfort in community.

In the spirit of radical change and letting go, I’m including some inspiration below from different sources, even Dr. Phil 🙂  The first is about the Hindu goddess Kali.  Put this girl in back pocket when you need to up your potency for radical transformation!

Here’s a blurb from Anita Revel’s Goddess Site:

Kali
Kali’s esoteric attributes are PASSION and physical and sexual energy. Be alert to those who undermine your self-confidence – Kali is here to hurl your life onto a new path that will ultimately prove to be more fulfilling than your current path.
SUGGESTED MANTRA:  AWAKENING

SUGGESTED AFFIRMATIONS:

  • My new life path reveals itself to me
  • I say goodbye to destructive influences
  • There are rainbows in every rainfall
  • I am awake to my life’s calling
  • I welcome Kali’s strength & recuperative powers
  • I trust the Universe to provide
  • It’s OK to release my juicy anger
  • I can say “no” to negative influences

ESSENCE: Goddessence KALI 100% pure essential oil blend

GEMSTONES: Ruby, garnet, bloodstone, tourmaline, smoky quartz (red stones)

 kali210.jpg (12971 bytes)

Kali 100% pure essential oil blend for the
Base Chakra
– Reclaim your independent spirit

If you are feeling “stuck in a rut”, use this Base Chakra blend to energise your intention. The blend of five 100% pure essential oils represents strength, unwavering willpower and insight. It helps you purge elements of destruction in your life and reclaim your independent spirit by directing your life onto a new path – your true path. Walk with confidence and know your place in the world.

MORE ABOUT KALI

According to ancient Hindu tradition, Kali is the mother of us all. Kali is often depicted as a bloodthirsty harbinger of destruction, but this is so that through death we can experience the wonder of rebirth. Hence, when our lives seem as though they are out of control, this is Kali telling us that we have not chosen the right path. Through Kali’s strength, we are forced out of complacency and fear to find the right path for ourselves.

HER MODERN ENERGY

Kali has unwavering judgement, strong willpower and penetrative insight. She also characterises how we feel about our attachments to people and possessions, and how we react when we are threatened with losing them. Don’t be afraid to shed – Kali offers you the strength to rid your life of excess baggage, to confront the forces that threaten you, to destroy the elements of destruction in your life. Once this is done, you can celebrate new life!

DO THIS

Kali is related to our root chakra, home of the kundalini energy. When our root chakra is in balance, we feel secure, alert, stable – our lives are full of active and positive energy. If you are not feeling like this, it is no wonder Kali is speaking to you today. Sit on the floor, close your eyes, and while nurturing a related gemstone, feel your spine grow and take root in the earth. Feel the strength of the earth energise your spine and your body. You are indestructable! You are strong! You can shake the weight from your shoulders and conquer the demon shadowing your life.

Go Warrior Woman!!


From the Buddha Dharma Education Association:

If we contemplate desires and listen to them, we are actually no longer attaching to them; we are just allowing them to be the way they are. Then we come to the realisation that the origin of suffering, desire, can be laid aside and let go of.

How do you let go of things? This means you leave them as they are; it does not mean you annihilate them or throw them away. It is more like setting down and letting them be. Through the practice of letting go we realise that there is the origin of suffering, which is the attachment to desire, and we realise that we should let go of these three kinds of desire. Then we realise that we have let go of these desires; there is no longer any attachment to them.

When you find yourself attached, remember that ‘letting go’ is not ‘getting rid of’ or ‘throwing away’. If I’m holding onto this clock and you say, ‘Let go of it!’, that doesn’t mean ‘throw it out’. I might think that I have to throw it away because I’m attached to it, but that would just be the desire to get rid of it. We tend to think that getting rid of the object is a way of getting rid of attachment. But if I can contemplate attachment, this grasping of the clock, I realise that there is no point in getting rid of it – it’s a good clock; it keeps good time and is not heavy to carry around. The clock is not the problem. The problem is grasping the clock. So what do I do? Let it go, lay it aside – put it down gently without any kind of aversion. Then I can pick it up again, see what time it is and lay it aside when necessary.

You can apply this insight into ‘letting go’ to the desire for sense pleasures. Maybe you want to have a lot of fun. How would you lay aside that desire without any aversion? Simply recognise the desire without judging it. You can contemplate wanting to get rid of it – because you feel guilty about having such a foolish desire – but just lay it aside. Then, when you see it as it is, recognising that it’s just desire, you are no longer attached to it.

So the way is always working with the moments of daily life. When you are feeling depressed and negative, just the moment that you refuse to indulge in that feeling is an enlightenment experience. When you see that, you need not sink into the sea of depression and despair and wallow in it. You can actually stop by learning not to give things a second thought.

You have to find this out through practice so that you will know for yourself how to let go of the origin of suffering. Can you let go of desire by wanting to let go of it? What is it that is really letting go in a given moment? You have to contemplate the experience of letting go and really examine and investigate until the insight comes. Keep with it until that insight comes: ‘Ah, letting go, yes, now I understand. Desire is being let go of.’ This does not mean that you are going to let go of desire forever but, at that one moment, you actually have let go and you have done it in full conscious awareness. There is an insight then. This is what we call insight knowledge. In Pali, we call it nanadassana or profound understanding.

I had my first insight into letting go in my first year of meditation. I figured out intellectually that you had to let go of everything and then I thought: ‘How do you let go?’ It seemed impossible to let go of anything. I kept on contemplating: ‘How do you let go?’ Then I would say, ‘You let go by letting go.’ ‘Well then, let go!’ Then I would say:

‘But have I let go yet?’ and, ‘How do you let go?’ ‘Well just let go!’ I went on like that, getting more frustrated. But eventually it became obvious what was happening. If you try to analyse letting go in detail, you get caught up in making it very complicated. It was not something that you could figure out in words any more, but something you actually did. So I just let go for a moment, just like that.

Now with personal problems and obsessions, to let go of them is just that much. It is not a matter of analysing and endlessly making more of a problem about them, but of practising that state of leaving things alone, letting go of them. At first, you let go but then you pick them up again because the habit of grasping is so strong. But at least you have the idea. Even when I had that insight into letting go, I let go for a moment but then I started grasping by thinking: ‘I can’t do it, I have so many bad habits!’ But don’t trust that kind of nagging, disparaging thing in yourself. It is totally untrustworthy. It is just a matter of practising letting go. The more you begin to see how to do it, then the more you are able to sustain the state of non-attachment.

About letting go of love, from Dr. Phil:

Have you been dumped, betrayed or left so heartbroken that you didn’t ever want to love again? Are you still stuck on an ex and don’t know how to move on? And how do you know when it’s time to let go and look for love somewhere else?

  • If you’re “the other woman” who’s waiting for a man to leave his lover, don’t waste your time. “If he’ll do it with you, he’ll do it to you,” Dr. Phil says. The man you want lacks integrity and can’t make a commitment.
  • Are your standards too low? Dr. Phil asks a guest who’s waiting around for a man that’s let her down time and again: “What is it about you that causes you to settle for somebody that you know will cheat on you, know will lie to you, know will make a commitment and then break it? What is it about you that you believe about yourself that you’re willing to settle for that?” Recognize that you’re settling and that you deserve more. Set a higher standard for yourself.
  • Does he really even make you happy? Be honest with yourself about the extent to which he’s really meeting your needs. Chances are you’re longing for the relationship that you wish it could be, and that you want to be in love with the person you wish he was. Dr. Phil reminds a guest: “There are times when you break up with somebody and you start missing them and you start thinking about all the good things. And then you’re back with them for about 10 minutes and you go ‘Oh yeah! Now I remember why I hate you!'” Don’t kid yourself about what it was really like or glorify the past.
  • Don’t wait around because you think he’s going to change. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, so the chance that he’s going to ride in on his white horse and do the right thing is pretty slim. Dr. Phil explains, “To the extent that there’s some history, you don’t have to speculate, you just have to measure.”
  • Don’t put your life on hold. Every minute you spend focusing on your ex is a minute that’s holding you back from a better future. Dr. Phil tells his guest, “As long you are obsessed on this guy, you will never put your heart, soul and mind into getting your life in order and starting another relationship if you want one.” Set some goals and start putting your life back together.
  • Ask yourself: Are you hiding in the relationship so you don’t have to face the reality of being on your own? Don’t stay with someone because it’s comfortable and safe. It may seem more secure, but it’s not healthy for you and it certainly won’t help you get to a better place. Why would you want to settle and waste your life away just to avoid getting back in the game?
  • Be clear with him. “You’ve got to say not just ‘no,’ but ‘hell no,'” Dr. Phil tells his guest. “‘Get out of my life. Stay away from me. Don’t call me.'” If you live together, it’s time to move out, or you may need to change your phone number. Dr. Phil reiterates: “Do what you have to do.” If the circumstances are more complicated or severe, you may need to get a lawyer in order to get child support or to hold him accountable for any other outstanding issues.
  • Don’t hold all men responsible for the mistake your ex made. Why should he pay for the sins of someone else who may have wronged you?
  • Learn to trust again — by trusting yourself. Dr. Phil tells a man who’s having a hard time letting women back into his life: “Trust is not about how much you trust one person or another to do right or wrong. How much you trust another person is a function of how much you trust yourself to be strong enough to deal with their imperfections.” Have enough faith in yourself to be able to put yourself on the line with someone, without any guarantee of what will happen next. If you’re playing the game with sweaty palms, it’s because you’re afraid of what you can or can’t do, or dealing with your own imperfections — it’s not about the other person.
  • Know that you will get hurt if you’re in a relationship. There is no perfect person without flaws. Even a well-intended guy is going to hurt his partner. He’s going to hurt your feelings. He’s going to say things that you don’t want him to say. He’s going to do things you wish he wouldn’t do and not do things you wish he would do. A relationship is an imperfect union between two willing spirits who say, ”I’d rather be in a relationship and share my life, share my joys, share my fun, share my activities, share my life than do it alone.” If you want to be in a relationship, know that getting hurt comes with the territory. You just have to decide that you are durable enough, that you have enough confidence in yourself that you can handle it.
  • Don’t invest more than you can afford to lose. While it’s important to move forward, you need to take things one step at a time. Don’t put so much out there that you’ll be emotionally bankrupt if things go south.
  • Don’t beat yourself up. You got through your last experience, you’ve learned from it, and now it’s time to move forward. Dr. Phil tells his guest, “You’ll move on and be a champion in your next endeavor as you did in your past … Life is not a success-only journey. You are going to get beat up along the way.”
  • Focus on yourself. All of us come into relationships with baggage, but you need to have closure on past experiences before you can start a new relationship with the odds in your favor. Dr. Phil tells a guest who’s had trouble with her father, her brother and two previous husbands: “Unless and until you’ve figured out everything you’ve got to figure out about that and you get closure, you will never come into a relationship with a fresh and clean heart and mind and expectancy and attitude.” You’re probably not ready to get into another relationship until you heal the wounds of your past.
  • Listen to what he’s saying. If he’s telling you that you want different things out of life and there’s no way you can work as a couple, don’t turn his words around into what you want to hear. He’s being quite clear.
  • Know the statistics. Dr. Phil tells a guest who’s waiting for her ex to come around: “There’s a 50/50 chance a marriage is going to work if both people are head over heels in love, passionate and willing to climb the mountain, swim the river and slay the dragon to get to each other. That’s with everybody crazy in love and running toward each other in that field that we see in the commercials. The problem you’ve got here is he’s running the other way in the field! So if it’s 50/50 when you’re running toward each other, what do you think it is when the other person is running out of the field and hiding in the woods?”